Some Days are Almost Magical

It has been ages since I posted to this blog. I blame two things: (a) I directed at play in the beginning of the year which took all my time and (b) I have spent the time since then catching up where I fell behind.

But, today was something special.

I woke early. I intended to write, but sat with a cup of coffee and caught up with my online social networks instead. It was peaceful and comforting and wonderful.

William, Michael, and Jocelyn were up soon and came down to join me. I had printed out some very basic phonics books for Michael, who has shown a drive to learn to read. I showed the first one to the kids and they proceeded to read it to me, helping each other out and relying on me for almost nothing. I had been confident that Michael would manage, but the other two surprised me.

After books, we had breakfast and then I took Patrick off to his swimming lesson. This is often a part of the week that includes several struggles, but today was excellent. On the way home, we stopped at a couple of stores to look for a cage for the butterfly larvae that we will be picking up tomorrow - from a family that has too many and just wanted to share.

As we arrived home, Andy was serving brunch: eggs, bacon, sausage & fried tomatoes. William showed me the comic book he had made while I was gone. A quick meal and I was off again. This time to the doctor with Michael, William, and Jocelyn for their annual physical and shots. We talked about the shots on the way there and I informed them there would be treats in the car afterwards for all brave children. In the waiting room, Michael continued to march through the phonics books, learning words as fast as I could give them to him, while the others played with toys.

3 shots, a few drops of blood, and one tender shoulder - but no tears - later, we were back in the car sucking on lollipops, ready for the next adventure.

We piled 4 bikes, 4 gloves, 4 balls, a T-ball tee, and snacks into the car and headed off for Heber Down, one of our local conservation areas. Heber Down has a flat path in the bottom portion of one of the hiking trails and we hoped that it would be a good place for the kids to learn to ride bicycles. A few hundred yards from the parking lot, the path turns a corner and the parking lot is hidden from view by stands of enormous conifers. We didn't go any further.

Patrick has had an incredibly difficult time learning to ride a bike and was frustrated to discover that he had forgotten the balance that he had finally found last summer. But, after a short practice session, he was riding up and down the path with glee. He rode off to the end of the flat path and back by himself several times while everybody else stayed in one place.

William, Michael, and Jocelyn have proper bikes (with training wheels) for the first time this year. Last year, they had tricycles and balance bikes. This was our first outing with the new bikes. By the time folks gave up, both William and Michael had managed to ride a bit.

After snacks, we played around with the T-ball equipment. I haven't played baseball since elementary school, but I found myself in a classic catcher stance as soon as I knelt to throw a ball with Michael. And even Patrick's glove felt manageable in my hand despite being several inches small. It felt good to be playing ball again. Patrick ran off with a butterfly net and we caught glimpses of him chasing butterflies.

But the best was yet to come.

Eventually, the children started playing tag - using the butterfly net as a tagging device. And then, suddenly, I realized the net was down and my children were calling me from within a grove of conifers. As I approached, I determined both that the cries were gleeful and that they were coming from above my head. William and Patrick had found a path into the stand of trees and had discovered that the trees had only grown branches on the outside edges of the grove. They had access to the trunks of the trees, and the branches were kindly spaced for them to climb easily. Jocelyn and Michael soon joined them and Andy and I had a bower full of children above our heads.

It would have been impossible to leave the tree-climbing fest without tears in most cases. But, Andy announced that there were water guns waiting for them at home. These have been much anticipated, and the kids came to the car with little trouble. Our back garden was a toasty 32 degrees Celsius: perfect for a water battle to end the day.

And this is where the story really ought to end. It will come as no surprise to parents reading this that such an exciting day was somewhat overwhelming to the children and bedtime was on the messy side. But, it wasn't bad. Certainly not bad enough to spoil the magic of the day that had come before.

I am hoping that by taking the time to reflect and write about this, today will become one of the days I remember when I look back from what is now my future. It was the kind of day upon which glorious memories are built.

Math with Aliens and Boots

I try to work mathematics literacy into our day. For breakfast, for example, we have often have toast cut into several different varieties of quarters. Most popular are ″finger quarters″ which involve dividing the toast in half vertically and then dividing each half vertically again. ″Square quarters″ and ″triangle quarters″ are also popular. ″Halfs″ and ″eighths″ are less popular, but known options.

Michael was playing with numbers this morning. He was doing a maze where he was supposed to figure out which path had the numbers in order. Patrick found a path with the numbers from 1 to 8 in order and then skipping to 10. So, he introduced Michael to the Barenaked Ladies song "7 8 9." The lyrics are "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10. What about 9? 7 ate 9." Michael knows his numbers well enough to think this is hysterical.

But, my favourite math moment of the day so far was in the car taking Michael, William, and Jocelyn to school. Jocelyn likes to kick her boots off in the car. This morning, we had this conversation.

J: I kick my 2 boots off yesterday.

K: How many boots do you have on if you kick 2 boots off?

M and J: No boots.

W: Only socks.

K: If you kick one boot off, how many boots do you have on?

W, M, and J: One.

K: What if you kick 3 boots off?

J: You can′t kick 3 boots off? *rolls eyes*

W: Only aliens have 3 feet.

J: And aliens have 5 eyes.

Math lesson over.

Ready to Hibernate

My busiest season is ending. The fall always seems to be a mad rush from event to event without time for planning or reflection and I get to the end of the year desperate for rest.

This pattern started when Patrick started school. Every year, the process of getting the kids settled in their new classes seems to take until mid-October. And, now that we are in Canada, that means that we are still in that chaos when Thanksgiving arrives. Then, Halloween rushes up and the kids change their minds about what they want to be too many times.

November brings NaNoWriMo, a writing challenge that should be simple now that the kids are all in school but isn't, because November is also the month of never-ending colds.

And, by the time I have decompressed from NaNoWriMo, I am late for Christmas planning.

There must be a better system, but I haven't found it.

Although it has been a hugely busy time, I am proud of what I have accomplished:

• William, Michael and Jocelyn have transitioned to a very different school where they are in separate classes for the first time.
• Patrick's school situation in September was bad enough that he changed schools in October. The change was rough but it was necessary.
• My brother took me to England to visit our aging Grandmother and uncles, aunts and cousins.
• I threw a highly successful Halloween party for Patrick and his friends.
• We celebrated Thanksgiving in Canada and the United States.
• I have started writing an irregular column for Durham Region Kids.
• I have started writing a more public blog.
• I have continued planning a website of play and creativity resources.
• I have joined ongoing conversations about advocacy for appropriate education for underserved gifted children.
  
• My NaNoWriMo project was successful.
• I have connected with some InterPlayers and many writers on Twitter. These interactions inspire and motivate me.

Despite the fact that I am exhausted, I would not give up any of the above. Without the creative endeavours, the work involved in raising 4 intense and precocious children would be unbearable. But, new schools and big festivals in the fall combined with my personal projects is a lot to handle.

I am looking forward to the winter. The school situation will be calmer and there are no major holidays. I have a play to direct and a novel to revise, so I will not be resting, but I expect the balance will be better.

Halloween

We had an eventful Halloween weekend. On Saturday, we had a party for Patrick and some of his friends. I invited a few family friends and kids William, Michael, and Jocelyn's age, but most of them couldn't make it.

I had fun planning the food (including punch with plastic spiders in ice cubes) and decorating the house. Cleaning the house enough for company and making room for a lot of 6-8 year olds reminded me of why we only have a few parties a year.

The kids had fun and Jocelyn and Michael made some nice crafts that are now decorating the kitchen. I had planned a good number of games. Most successful was turning the kids into mummies by wrapping them in toilet paper.

I went out with some other moms of triplets on Saturday night. After the younger trio were in bed, Patrick and Andy watched Coraline. Patrick had read the book the previous week and was interested in how the film and the book differed.

On Sunday, we spent much of the day finalizing costumes. Michael's costume needed hemming. Jocelyn needed accessories. It was forecast to be cold and costumes needed to be adapted for layers underneath. William had originally asked to be Spiderman, but changed his mind on Halloween. After considering Buzz Lightyear, he settled on Batman, so I had to improvise a costume out of black trousers, a vampire cape, and some of Patrick's old pajamas (which included a hood with ears). Patrick needed a scabbard attached to his ninja outfit. We got everthing together just in time to taske pictures and go out trick-or-treating.

Patrick went round the neighborhood with some of his peers and their older siblings and Andy and I took the others out. We saw Patrick briefly out in the neighborhood and he was having a great time. Jocelyn, Michael, and William got into the spirit of things and were running up to the doors and ringing the doorbell. We had to help them open their bags as the straps got tangled, but they were otherwise quite self-sufficient.

It was a cold night and we kept it short. Even so, Andy was carrying one bag of candy at the end of the evening as it was too full for Michael to manage with the claws that were part of his costume. William took the lead both in assessing whether there were enough lights on to indicate that somebody was home to give out candy and in making sure that people were thanked for giving out candy. It was wonderful to see them sharing the joy of trick-or-treating with each other. Last year, they had fun, but didn't quite seem to get it. This year, they knew exactly what they were doing and how to do it.

There was much glee in the running from door to door and much melting down when we got home and informed them that they could eat one treat before heading off to bed. But we expected that. All in all, it was a great weekend.

Starting School

We are now well into our first month of the school year. Patrick is continuing French Immersion for his grade 2 year. William, Michael, and Jocelyn have started at a local Montessori school. So far, so good.

Patrick continues to struggle with the fact that school-based learning has too many worksheets and not enough interactive experiences for his taste. But, he is being a good sport about it. His favourite times of the school day are reading his novels on the bus and playing computer games when he has completed his assigned school work.

Jocelyn, William, and Michael have adjusted remarkably well to a full day of school and they seem to be thriving in separate classrooms. For some reason, Jocelyn has decided she would rather have William's teacher, but her teacher says she is doing very well in the classroom. Michael loves the school and talks about wanting to go back when it is time to leave. William loves the other kids that he is meeting. They all get excited when they talk about the work that they enjoy. There is a small amount of discomfort when it turns out that they are not all doing the same thing in their different classes, but not much. Mostly, they just seem excited to see each other at the end of a day apart.

As for me, I'm still adjusting. I have not figured out how to make 4 lunches, feed everybody breakfast and get the breakfast put away before getting the kids off to school. I know a lot of parents make school lunches in the evening, but Patrick likes to have a hot lunch, so I have to make it in the morning. And, I'm not making 2 different lunches. So, for now, I need to make 4 lunches in the morning. Nobody has been late for school or missed the bus, yet. I just have a breakfast mess to clean up after everybody else has gone. All in all, not a bad start to the year.

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

This summer, I didn't make time to write about individual events as they happened. So, rather than overwhelm you with details, I will give you the summary, InterPlay style. In this InterPlay storytelling form, players take turns completing the phrase "I could tell you about...." Like this:

I could tell you about hiking in gorges and walking under waterfalls.

I could tell you about face painting, roller coasters, and cotton candy.

I could tell you about Highland Games and Renaissance Festivals.

I could tell you about taking the kids to Niagara Falls to meet their grandparents who were there for a brief stop as part of a bus tour. I would make sure to tell you about the way their ice cream treats melted all over their faces.

I could tell you about catching millipedes and slugs with butterfly nets. And how the slugs got out of the collecting jars.

I could tell you about enormous chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cones, vegetable gardens overflowing with produce, and picnics in beautiful places.

I could tell you about Patrick's excitement that he passed the swim test to swim in the deep end of the pool on his first day of Soccer Camp. Or about the fact that he was tall enough to ride all the rides by himself at the Trumansburg Fair.

I could tell you about Michael, William and Jocelyn taking their first swimming lessons. Or taking their first ferry ride. Or going on their first sailboat.

I could tell you about going to Stratford with Andy for a night away from the kids and watching Christopher Plummer as Prospero. Or about being allowed to sleep in as my mother took care of the kids for a while.

I could tell you about bruises, of splinters and bee stings. But I would much rather talk about fire truck rides, balloon toys and playgrounds, or swimming and sailing and sand-castle building. But mostly, I could tell you about adventure and fun that we shared with lots of friends and family.

It was a good summer.

On Bicycles

Teaching Patrick to ride a bicycle hasn't been easy. It is not a skill that has come naturally and Andy and I have been short of opportunities to teach him or even inspire him to practice.

For at least three years, we have been failing to help him master a tricycle or a bicycle (with or without training wheels). At some point, we decided pedaling, balancing, and steering was too much for him to figure out at once, so we gave up on the bike and got him a scooter. We had a summer of frustration with the scooter, too.

Then, this spring, his grandparents came to visit for two weeks and met him at the bus stop after school every day with the scooter. That was the magic. For two weeks, he scooted the block and a half home every day. Andy and I heard stories about his improvement, but he wouldn't show us.

After my parents left, I started walking to meet him at the school bus with the scooter and he improved rapidly. At the same time, we got scooters and balance bikes for the trio. Balance bikes are undersized bikes without pedals used for learning how to balance and steer. Once everybody had bikes and scooters, it became possible to hang out on the driveway every so often with everybody playing with whatever suited their fancy. Within a few weeks, Patrick had mastered the scooter.

For Patrick and the bicycle, the moment of magic was when a babysitter got him out on the driveway using an undersized bike as a balance bike. He was able to take the balance and steering he had learned on the scooter and transfer them to the balance bike. By regularly meeting him at the bus stop with the undersized bike, I gave him an opportunity to master the balance bike in small practice sessions.

In the past week, he spontaneously started trying to pedal the undersized bike but was unable to squeeze himself into a position to make it possible. At the same time, he has been unwilling to try the bigger bike.

Today, I took a risk and took the big bike instead of the undersized bike when we went to meet Patrick. At the bus stop, he complained he was not ready for the big bike yet, but got on anyway. After a few false starts, he managed to get himself pedaling. As he turned onto our street and got the extra momentum of a downward incline, he got it all together for a glorious 10 yards before braking hard. Beaming, he turned for me to acknowledge his success, which I did.

He still is a long way from just getting on his bike and riding, but it looks like this will be the summer Patrick learns to ride a bike.

Pansies from Patrick - A Mother's Day Story

There are moments that make the hard work of motherhood worthwhile. Sometimes they are subtle and hard to describe. Not this week. For the first time, prompted only by an opportunity at school, Patrick arranged a Mother's Day gift for me without any help from his father.

We began giving Patrick an allowance this year to teach him about money and money management. So far, most of the lessons have been in the form of "If you don't put your money somewhere safe, you lose it." He has started to pay attention to the cost of things he would like to buy and to ask for credit from his parents if he wants something and hasn't brought any money with him.

From time to time, things are sold at school during the day: a popcorn fundraiser, a Scholastic book fair, a bake sale on Valentine's Day, etc. During the course of this year, there has been a transition from Patrick asking for money for such sales to his choosing to take money from his piggy bank.

Last Thursday, he showed me some money as he was leaving for school and said he was taking it to school to buy flowers. I had no idea what he was talking about. He was short of time, so I merely reminded him to keep it somewhere safe as he rushed out the door with Andy heading for the bus stop. He came off the bus that afternoon holding two pansies, which he presented to me for Mother's Day. I beamed at him and thanked him as richly as I could while keeping my eye on his siblings, who were bolting in different directions.

One of the flowers hit its peak during the day on Thursday and was wilting slightly by Friday morning. Patrick became worried that it wouldn't last until Mother's Day.

When I met Patrick at the bus stop on Friday, he presented me with a third pansy, saying "In case the other one loses it's flowers before Sunday." Once again, I thanked him less fully than I might have liked due to the chaos on the street corner.

Yesterday morning, I took a quiet moment in the kitchen while Patrick was with me to confirm that he had not involved Andy in the pansy purchasing and let myself show him my pride and joy at what a generous boy he was. This is the first time that he has planned in advance to buy something for somebody else with his money. I am moved by the sweetness of his gesture and look forward to enjoying the pansies in the front garden this summer. I have no doubt that I will smile every time I notice them, thinking of the sweet young boy who gave them to me. My son.

Birthday Reflections

William, Michael and Jocelyn had their third birthday this week. They have easily grasped the fact that now they are 3 instead of 2. They have absorbed the key elements of the North American birthday ritual. Cake and candles and the birthday song were all expected. Cards and presents seemed like an extra bonus. By next year, I expect they will be asking for specific presents. Actual celebrations have been spread out: an extended family gathering last weekend, just the 6 of us on the actual day, and a small party with friends this weekend. Spreading gifts out is wonderful, and they eat so little junk food that I don't mind overdoing the birthday sweets a little.

They have been asked to give up their daytime comfort blankets. This is a big transition for them, but it has gone well so far. The goal is to get the nighttime blankets out soon, too. I would generally let them give up comfort objects when they felt ready, but they suck on the blankets in a way that encourages poor jaw positioning and pushes their teeth out of shape. I would prefer to find alternatives to the blanket now than guarantee the need for braces later.

3 and 4 were such challenging ages with Patrick that I find myself worrying about what the next year will bring rather than celebrating having survived the past 3 years. The intense power struggles have begun. Patrick is finding it challenging to have three more intense personalities in the house with opinions. Until they were making their opinions known with words, he found that he could easily get his way. Now that they are learning to negotiate, he is being pushed to develop his sharing and negotiating skills. It can only be good in the long run.

With the warmer weather upon us, we have been practicing getting out and about without extra adults. Meeting Patrick at his bus stop has become a 30 minute daily adventure. Jocelyn, Michael, William and I walk the block and half to the bus stop and then wait for 5-10 minutes for the bus to arrive. We are developing games to play safely at the street corner and sometimes enjoy a snack. I bring Patrick's helmet and scooter. When Patrick meets us, we go and get the mail. Our mail box is as far away from our house as Patrick's bus stop but on the opposite side of the house. We have a several block loop that Patrick scoots and the others run and walk with me. We have to practice crossing the street safely and waiting for the others to catch up. It doesn't always work smoothly, but it does always work out. It is good to get the outdoor time every day and I am building the confidence I need to start taking all of the kids on bigger walks by myself.

Patrick's skill on the scooter is improving fast. The next challenge is teaching the little ones to use their scooters safely. It's going to be a whole new adventure when we can take all the kids out on their scooters together.

After Overhearing Other Parents's Conversations

I don't have a lot of conversations with other parents at school pick-up and drop off these days. I am generally too busy trying to keep track of three two-year olds playing in an area that is not separated from the parking lot. But, I overhear the other parents talking. Today, the conversation was about plans for next year and which of the kids would be at the school in the fall. It is a small private nursery school and kindergarten. Some of the kids leave at 4 to go to junior kindergarten (J.K.), while others stay until they go to other schools for grade 1.

I heard one mother say, "He'll be in J.K. next year at the same school as his older brother. It'll be so nice just to have one place to drop them both." There was a collective audible but nonverbal response of agreement that it would be a relief. I found myself wondering if I will ever drop all my kids off at one school. Assuming that we stay where we are and things progress as expected, I will get one year with that convenience.

Next year, Patrick will be in grade 2 at his current school and Jocelyn, William and Michael will start the Casa program at a local private Montessori school. The following year, everybody will stay at the same schools unless we can't afford another year of Montessori, in which case the three little ones will do public kindergarten at our local school, which isn't where Patrick goes.

When Patrick hits grade 4, he is expected to go to a third school in our local public district for the congregated gifted program, while his siblings finish the Casa program, assuming the money is there.

When Patrick gets to grade 5, Jocelyn, William, and Michael will start at Patrick's current school, where they will presumably stay until grade 4.

When Michael, Jocelyn and William hit grade 4, I expect they will follow Patrick to the congregated gifted program, where Patrick will be doing his final year before moving on to high school and for one year, they will be together: the oldest and youngest kids in the program.

Patrick will finish high school the spring before his siblings start.

Of course, if not all the kids get into the gifted program, I won't even get that one year with all the kids in one school. I know this has more to do with the age gap between my kids than the number of them. It just strikes me as another way in which the family I dreamed of would have been easier than the family I ended up with. But, such is life.

Moments of Method, Moments of Madness

The intensity of toddlerhood is magnified with multiples. If things are working, they are wonderful. But the meltdowns are spectacular.

William, Michael and Jocelyn have been developing the ability to play independently, together and with Patrick, in ways that require me to engage infrequently. This is a wonderful development. Of course, fights and disagreements arise and I have to help them sort things out. But, often, I can do something else that needs to be done while listening for screams and attending to the needs of those who seek me out for attention.

We have reached a new level of being able to take turns and play structured games together. In January, my parents and I introduced the triplets to board games, starting with Candyland. The first time we played, each child had an adult to help them, and this eased the learning process. Now, as long as I am highly engaged, we can play with just one adult. I need to lead with a heavy hand, telling everybody whose turn it is, reminding them where to put their cards, helping them take their turns and move their pieces, keeping track of whose turn it is as they wander away from the board and come back, etc. But it works, and they keep asking to play it again. Recently, I introduced them to a memory game involving turning over cards to find pairs. Once again, by leading firmly, I was able to manage the game with all four children in such a way that they had fun.

Reading a book together has become a wonderful family bonding experience. When I sit on the sofa with a book to read and the four children gather around to listen, there is usually some jostling into position before things get started, but then I often read three or four books in a row before people get restless.

If only one person wants a story and the others are off doing their own things, it is a different experience all together. Yesterday, for instance, I had one tired child who wanted to snuggle and read a story. He found a book and climbed into my lap with his blankie to cuddle and I started reading. I had to interrupt what could have been a 5-7 minute long story for 2 trips to the washroom, including cleaning up one potty accident; one fall; one tussle over toys; and a spilled drink. By the time I finished reading the story, all four children had cried, shouted, or been disciplined and I was mentally scattered.

When the weather is warm, I am now able to walk with Michael, William and Jocelyn to the bus stop to meet Patrick after school. This is a new development and I am still wary of taking them very far for a walk. When things go well, it feels quite easy, but it only takes one child who doesn't want to follow the plan for it to become dangerous. With one toddler, I could just pick him up and carry him when he became unwilling to behave safely. With three, it just isn't possible.

Living with the daily chaos, I don't always notice how much the kids are growing up. But, we are not the same as we were in the fall. I still feel overwhelmed by how much the little ones cannot yet do for themselves, but they are able to do more all the time. Each self-care skill the kids acquire makes it easier for me to enjoy these wonderful children rather than be overwhelmed by how much work I have to do.

Why the Break in Blog Posts

It has been months since I found time to articulate my thoughts enough to post an update. I apologize to those of you who want updates and don't get them any other way.

December was busy getting ready for the holidays, which pounced on me with less warning than usual, or at least it seemed that way. I was in rehearsal for a play that would be in performance in late January. Dangerous Obsession is a three person cast, and I was onstage for the whole show, so there was no sitting around the theatre during rehearsal to learn my lines or do anything other than rehearse.

Shortly before Christmas, a beloved aunt of mine was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had surgery, which put an emotional strain on the whole family. By the end of January, it was clear that she was deteriorating rapidly and would not survive for long. The family came together as often as possible, rallying around her and each other to celebrate her life and ease her death to the extent we could. When she died, I personally experienced that awful mix of emotions that include devastation at her loss and relief that her suffering was over.

Parenting through grief is challenging. Patrick knew and loved Karen and understood what was happening. The triplets were oblivious. The energy of young children who were thrilled to be visiting their grandparents often, as we did during February, distracted the adults somewhat from our grief, which was a welcome relief. However, alone with the children at home, I have found it a struggle to by buoyed up by their enthusiasm and not weighted down with the challenges of providing a warm home for 4 children who need me so fully all the time.

At the same time, Andy is in rehearsal for a play – a much needed and much deserved project for him – and is extremely busy at work. He has been a tremendous support through my loss, but he needs support through his busy time, now.

The last few months have been a time where my self care needs have required a lot of retreating into myself. And, this internal retreat is the main reason for my lack of updates.

Band Practice

I have budding "musicians" in the house. Just the other day, we had our first real jam session. Jocelyn was over-blowing a recorder. Michael was strumming a badly tuned guitar. William had made a drum kit out of some kitchen utensils and metal garbage cans.

It took some time for a band style to develop because these musicians all have very different inspirations. Jocelyn was imitating her big brother, who likes to be as loud as possible and doesn't care much about rhythm or melody. Michael has learned to play from a folk guitarist who plays children's music at a playgroup they attend. William's technique comes primarily from watching a YouTube video of a drum cover of the Black Eyed Peas' "I Got a Feeling."

So, the jam session started with a recorder fanfare from Jocelyn, "Old MacDonald Has a Farm" from Michael with lyrics and strumming, and a drum riff and shouts of "Good Night. Good Night. Good Night," from William.

With a little coaching, I managed to get Jocelyn to blow a little more softly into the recorder. In the meantime, William had started listening to Michael. The intensity of his drumming didn't change, but, over time, he chose to match his brother's lyrics. And, we had a rocked-up, out-of-tune "Old MacDonald" filling the house.

I need to invest in some good earplugs. With this cacophony as the beginning of music education in my house, it is going to be a long road. But, if the end result is people who enjoy making music, it will be a road worth walking.

The Joy Diet: Laughter

This week of "The Joy Diet", Martha Beck instructs us to laugh at least 30 times a day.

I must confess that I haven't been counting my laughs. Although, I do think counting my laughs with a manual counter might increase my laughs. Instead, I have been focusing on finding the laughs that I have been missing.

As I mentioned last week, motherhood has brought my serious persona to the fore. And, three 2-year olds in the house is enough to make anybody crazy if they take it too seriously. I have been letting the chaos get to me.

2-year olds are silly beasts. They don't know enough to follow conventions, they do what comes into their heads without regard to what society views as right or normal. Some of what they do is dangerous and really needs to be shut down. Some of what they do is funny the first time, but sure to be annoying the 95th time, so a moderated response is required. But, a lot of what they do is just silly.

My life is busy and my list of "should do"s is long. Too often, when one or more of the kids is up to something that is just funny, I don't take the time to enjoy it because I am too worried about getting something done.

My challenge to myself this week has been to take the time to notice the silly things and enjoy them. And, most importantly, to let the laugh out - choosing the laughter over the impatience. I don't know if this is getting me to my 30 laughs a day, but I have noticed a few things.

• I enjoy the kids more.
• The chores don't get done quite so quickly, but I don't mind them so much.
• I remember the silly things more than the "developmental milestones" or annoying things when I am reporting a few of the day's events to my husband, so I get to relive the silliness.
• It doesn't take more than a moment to let the laugh out.
• The kids seem to enjoy it when I laugh.

Of all the elements of The Joy Diet that my life needs, this is the one it needs most. With enough laughter, I will be able to face the things that need to be done and the things I want to do with more ease. And, more ease is always good.

I used to notice the absurd in everything. It is harder to do now that my responsibilites are greater, but it is more important than ever.

The Joy Diet: Play

Oh boy, this has been a rough week.

Play shouldn't be so tough for me. I am an InterPlay leader. I spent years dressing up in costume to attend Rennaisance Faires. I spent my college years playing Vampire Tag. I have a lot of experience with play beyond my childhood years. I have even taught a seminary class that included finger painting.

But, the truth is that play challenges me to my core. In one of his workshops, Phil Porter, one of the founders of InterPlay and one of my heroes, said that InterPlay often appeals to recovering serious people. And, in my case, it is absolutely true.

I follow the rules; I get things right; I do what I am supposed to do. InterPlay has forms, instructions for movement. One of the basic forms, which I learned right at the beginning of my first class is "Walk, Stop, Run." The basic form is very simple. You Walk around the space. Then, when you feel like it, you Stop. And then, if you are feeling brave, you Run around the space. Finally, you are invited to play with Walking, Stopping, and Running. And then, Serious People get nervous.

You see, what happens then is that experienced InterPlayers take the instruction to play and jump with it, spin with it, run with it, lie on the floor with it, pick up a playmate with it, lean on a friend with it, and do an awful lot of things that don't look or feel anything like walking, stopping, or running. Somewhere in the midst of what felt like chaos, I realized that the teacher wasn't enforcing the "Rules" and that following the rules wasn't making me happy. What made me happy was sometimes to lean against the wall and watch or skip or gallop or spin or make a train or hold hands or lie on the floor - not just to walk or stop or run. And, now, I am one of those experienced InterPlayers that make Serious People nervous.

But, I am a well-conditioned Serious Person, so my Serious Persona takes over under stress. Motherhood has thrown me for a massive loop on the play front. There is so much to do that has to be done for all these little people who cannot yet do for themselves. My serious self has reared it's ugly head with a vengeance and has been forcing my playful self into hiding. I have been operating from the delusion that just because parenting is important, it must be serious.

So, this week, I used an InterPlay trick of thinking about something, in this case my desire to be more playful with my parenting and householding responsibilities, and then throwing it up into the air with a "wheeee" and I just let it float around up there for the week to see what happened. It has helped me find more ease. Not enough, but a beginning.

• I have been playing at looking like I have it together. I went shopping for new clothes and bought tailored clothes which make me feel less frumpy. And, I have been putting on make-up before taking the kids to pre-school. I like looking like I have it together even when I feel overwhelmed.
• I skipped ahead mentally in the book to the chapter on Laughter and started trying to increase the number of laughs I got out of each day - which often involved getting more laughs out of my children; their laughter is infectious. And yes, folks, skipping ahead is hard for rule-followers like myself, so it counts as play all by itself.
• The kids love spray bottles. My kitchen floor always needs a good wash. If I don't care that the walls, table and windows get washed too and that spots get missed, there is a silly way to get my kitchen floor mostly cleaned and my kids entertained at the same time staring me in the face.
  

Playing a board game with my eldest son a few days ago lead to a discussion about good sportsmanship. And, I realized that I am a sore loser in the game of life. In fact, I am such a bad loser that I don't even want to play the game if I don't think I can win. So, part of my challenge with playfulness is learning to commit to the game without committing to the result.

Maybe this approach will help me with NaNoWriMo 2009. NaNoWriMo is a novel writing challenge: start a novel and write 50,000 words of it during November. Last year, I really thought it was a massive but doable challenge if I turned my inner editor off and let myself write drivel. I wrote more than my 50,000 words and it felt great. This year, because I know that I can write 50,000 words, I have set my self-expectations higher and this is causing a degree of writer's block. I need to give myself permission to write another 50,000 words of drivel.

All in all, the week has been a reminder of how much we need play in our lives. In my case, and maybe in yours, we need it most when we think we can least afford it.

The Joy Diet: Treats

This week's ingredient is to add at least 3 treats a day: one after your risk for the day and two just because. Martha Beck's definition of a treat is something that makes you feel like smiling. For me, this idea, lead me back to my InterPlay training.

In InterPlay, there is a concept called the Physicality of Grace. In English, there is not a good, common word for what we feel when we feel the opposite of stress. There are some that come close, but nothing that really captures it. In InterPlay, we use the Physicality of Grace to refer to how our bodies feel when we feel the opposite of stressed. Sometimes, it is easier to understand if you start by noticing how your body feels under stress. Then, when you think about the opposite of stress, you can feel how your body feels and call that feeling the physicality of grace. Once you notice the things that make you feel the physicality of grace, you can choose to increase them in your life. For me, this week, I tried to find treats that really gave me a full body experience of grace, not just made me feel like smiling.

My primary treat all week has been to use the super-minimalist version of the InterPlay seated warm-up every time I remember it - and to teach it to my kids because it is more fun in a group. Here are the instructions:

• Take a deep breath and let it out on a sigh. Repeat. Again. And once more if it would feel good.
• Shake out a hand.
• Shake out the other hand.
• Shake out a leg.
• Shake out the other leg.
• Shake out whatever you are sitting on. (Shake out your whole body if you are standing).

Just this much of the warm-up always makes me feel better. In fact, just step one usually makes me feel better. The kids like the shaking out though, so we do that together. Once they think that this is something we do, I'll teach them the rest of the warm-up and we'll be able to make that part of our day, too. But, for now, I love that I have finally really started integrating InterPlay practice instead of just InterPlay philosophy into my parenting.

For a good summary of InterPlay, check out Grethen Wegner on InterPlay.

I have noticed things that make me smile and chosen them this week. The things that make us smile are unique. Nobody else will smile at exactly the same things I smile at. Our bodies are all different. Our brains are all different. We perceive and interact with the world differently. We all need to discover for ourselves what makes us smile.

For me, this week, the list of treats has included:

• driving through hills looking at the fall leaves.
• chai
• licorice tea
• wrestling with the kids
• reading about the history of Islamic achievements in art and science.
• fake hip-hop dancing in my living room
• the smell of freshly baked bread
• walking in the wind
• long baths with eucalyptus epsom salts
• white wine and sweet potato fries
• the warmth in my hand of a particular cup when the tea is still almost at boiling temperature.
• listening to music that I love but haven't heard for ages
  

Interestingly, I have noticed that I am yearning for new experiences - especially new music - as part of my treats. So, part of my treating myself for the next few weeks should include searching out new music to notice what my body yearns to listen to and dance to now.

There is a richness to life when I choose these little treats. My overall life may be exactly the same, with the same frustrations and limitations, but the joy despite the frustrations makes it all seem less oppressive. I'll be choosing those treats more often.

How about you? How will you treat yourself?

The Joy Diet: Risk

This week's daily task was to take a step towards our true desires that felt risky. This is the chapter I have been waiting for. I am chronically risk-averse and need nudging and support to keep taking the steps that feel risky to me. Martha Beck instructs us to take the smallest step that feels risky that moves us towards our desires. The hope is that these baby steps will stretch our comfort zones without overwhelming us. It is advice that resonates deeply with me; advice that I know in my mind and forget to practice in my body.

As I worked with Risk this week, I realized that I have difficulty asking for help and I have grandiose dreams that I fail to make progress towards because I don't break the process into small enough chunks. This "smallest step that feels risky" is really useful for me. Each time I think of a risk, I should be asking myself if there is something smaller that still feels risky that I should be doing instead. When I am unable to think of a smaller step that feels risky, the risk feels more manageable.

Some of my dreams seem so big that simply taking a concrete step towards them feels dangerous. I have been surprised at how risky it feels to get information to further a project I am passionate about. Simply moving forward at all is unnerving. It is as though the smallest step confirms that I have chosen to walk this scary path towards a dream that I will be devastated to see fail. And yet, being paralyzed by my fear has not made me feel good about my life - so maybe, just maybe, it is time to face the fear and act anyway.

Many of my desires this week have been very simple. I have been sick, so I have had many desires about resting to recover. As the stay-at-home mother of 4 small children, I have to work really hard to get rest for myself. This week, I desperately needed more sleep than I can get while continuing to maintain all of my chores and responsibilities at the house. My husband works incredibly hard at a stressful job and it feels like a huge imposition to ask him to take time off work to watch the kids when I need a sick day - even if he works from home during some of the time he is in charge. Nevertheless, this week, on the day I felt worst, I asked him to take some time off. Speaking up and sharing my need felt very vulnerable. At the same time, it felt strong to acknowledge that I really needed somebody to take care of me.

I have also taken some risks with some of my friends by being honest about some of the parenting challenges that I am facing right now - particularly one that makes me question my own abilities as a parent. By exposing myself, I opened the door to deeper intimacy and more honest conversation from both sides, thereby improving my friendships while getting the sense of perspective I desperately needed.

And, I have taken a few risks that involve working with the vague professional dreams I have to turn them into practical adventures. These are the truly scary things for me and the ones I need the most nudging to accomplish. I am hoping that a few small steps will turn into momentum.

I can tell from my experience this week that a daily practice of risk has the potential to take me down amazing paths. It is also clear that I will need the Treats, Laughter, Play, Connection, and Feasting of the rest of the book to support me through the Risks.

The Joy Diet: Creativity

The task this week: Every day, conceptualize and write down at least one new, concrete idea that will help you obtain something your heart desires.

This was my hardest week so far, simply because I wasn't committed to making the time for my "Nothing" practice and missed several days of that practice. Because I know that I can be deluded by surface desires if I don't get the meditative time in, I chose not to focus on deep desires on the days that I didn't meditate. Instead, I chose to act on a small desire: drinking a particular flavor of tea, dancing in the kitchen, playing with the kids when I "should" have been cleaning. I know from experience that honouring those small desires makes it easier to sit with the bigger ones, so I trusted that I was getting something out of the process, while realizing that I wasn't quite doing the assignment.

On the days that I did make time for doing Nothing, I did write down ideas about things I could do to obtain the most important desire of the day. Doing this, I realized a few things.

• I know the sensible things to do to pursue most of my desires. My block is in actually taking action, not knowing what I should be doing.
• I tend to think very sensibly about tasks. Beck has some ideas of ways to get beyond the obvious and rational actions - and I should probably experiment with those more.
• I have made a lot of to do lists of things I could do to pursue my desires in the past, but I haven't always been sure they were my true heart desires.

My conclusions from this practice so far are:

• Don't rush to an action plan until you know where you want to go.
• Keep to the path. Next week is Risk, and I bet we'll be looking at some of the things that have stopped me taking action in the past. I certainly hope so. It would be good to move past this place of coming up with actions I could take and to push into taking them.
  

Although I am anxious to move forward into risk and action, it is also clear that I need to not rush the process that is starting with this Joy Diet. I need to step back and deepen my practices on the first menu items. I need to keep taking baby steps and trust that the path will continue. And the most important baby step is the first one - taking time each day to do nothing.

The Joy Diet: Desire

Menu Item 3 on the Joy Diet is Desire. And, by "desire", Martha Beck means what your heart really wants. Her theory is that if you honour your deepest desires, you will be on the path to an authentic, joyful life. In this chapter, she has some techniques for distinguishing the things you think you want from the things you truly desire. Part of the trick is asking yourself what you want after you have rested in nothing and then, being honest with yourself, asking "what do I want?" See how menu items 1 and 2 are still in the picture. The other part of the trick is some follow-up questions once you have reached that point.

I was not surprised to discover that I am not in touch with my deep desires at the moment. Most of my current desires have to do with finding time and space to really deepen my meditations and listen for the wisdom of my body about how to move forward into satisfying my own needs. However, I did have one real "aha" moment that I have no doubt will prove to be useful.

When I met Steve Jobs as a child, he was my hero. He had just started NeXT and gave me a t-shirt that he signed with the message "Let's go change the world." And, I always felt that was my goal, but I have never known what kind of change ws meaningful to me, so I never knew where best to put my efforts. At the same time, I have always wanted to be famous, but I never had a sense of what kind of fame for what kind of thing would really feel like I had made it. I had an insight that combined both of those impulses into a new one. I'm sure it is still a beginning image and that it will change as I listen for my desires, so I am not going to share it openly here. I have a history of committing to shallow desires and running headlong into worlds that were not what I would have chosen if I had sat still and listened more deeply before taking active steps. I want not to do that this time.

Next week, The Joy Diet starts the process of moving forward more actively by calling us towards using our creativity in service of our desires. So, I am trusting the process and chosing to slow things down and spend more time with the baby steps of discovery rather than leaping recklessly.

Thanksgiving

3 years after moving north from the United States, I still haven't got the Canadian Thanksgiving holiday into my system.

When I was 17, I travelled in Europe with a friend of mine. While we were staying in England, she commented that she had expected to experience culture shock in France and Italy, but hadn't expected England to be so different. I feel similarly about Thanksgiving in Canada. It is similar enough to Thanksgiving in the US that I expect it to feel similar and different enough that it throws me for a loop every year.

The obvious difference between the two holidays is the date. By celebrating Thanksgiving in early October, the whole schedule changes. In the US, I was usually caught off-guard by Halloween -- which I thought of as the warning that I should prepare for Thanksgiving and Christmas. With Thanksgiving before Halloween, there is no early warning system. Thanksgiving arrives with a jolt before the new school year schedules have solidified into habitual routines.

But, there are subtler differences that disconcert me more than the simple date change. The whole holiday feels different. The weather is different, warmer. The days are shorter. It just seems to be the wrong season for Thanksgiving. I had a similar sensation during my first few years in California. The days were too warm in November for my body to believe it was really Thanksgiving. Now, I am back in the climate where I first grew to know Thanksgiving as a holiday, but the days still feel too warm because it is October instead of November. And, the extra daylight is also confusing.

In addition, Thanksgiving is a smaller holiday in Canada. It is a one-day holiday instead of a two-day holiday -- and a different day of the week to boot. In the US, Thanksgiving is the one truly national holiday. Everybody celebrates it. Because it is a 4-day weekend, people are willing to travel longer distances than they would for a 3-day weekend. Everybody celebrates on Thursday -- whether they feast in the afternoon or evening. Because Thanksgiving in Canada is a Monday and people work on the Tuesday, evening feast meals are often held over the preceding weekend rather than on the day itself - so not everybody feasts on the same day.

There is not the deluge of advertising around the holiday. Partially, this is because Canadian holidays do not have the retail focus of American holidays. But, this is also affected by the date of the celebration. By the end of November, Christmas is looming. In October, there is still Halloween to come. Shopping is not yet focused on the end of year spree.

Put all those things together and the harvest festivals with the same name in the two countries feel completely different in my body. I expect that it will take a few years for me to become comfortable with this new Canadian festival. I may even come to prefer it. But, for right now, it is still unsettling.

This year, however, I am hugely thankful that we will be celebrating with extended family. My parents are taking advantage of the American Columbus Day holiday to visit us and celebrate Thanksgiving, Canadian-style.