2008 - An End of Year Summary

Photographs taken as recently as July stun us with how much our youngest kids look like babies. The children we know are not babies any more. At the beginning of 2008, Jocelyn and William were mobile and pulling up to standing; Michael was hardly mobile and not standing. Now, all three climb, run, and dance. William even jumps. In January, meals were bottles of formula and Cheerios. Now, Patrick, Jocelyn, William, and Michael eat the same foods and the youngsters drink from open cups at table and sippy cups and straw bottles when out.

Patrick has grown from a beginning reader to a confident reader. He continues to be increasingly independent. He has realized that the more he can do for himself, the less he has to wait for an adult to be available to help him.

We have been very family-centred this year. In general, friends have seen little of us and heard hardly more. We blame this on sheer exhaustion and hope we will be forgiven when we do resurface.

I made time to direct a play at a local community theatre and to complete the challenge of National Novel Writing Month (www.nanowrimo.org). Both were time consuming and stressors for the family, but both were worthwhile. The novel writing was particularly satisfying. For those who are unfamiliar with NaNoWriMo, the challenge is simple: write the first word of a novel no earlier than November 1st and write 50,000 words of said novel by midnight of November 30th. I am currently starting the process of editing my 50,000 words, which is a different challenge, but I must say that I am pleasantly surprised by the quality of what I wrote in November.

2009 promises many changes. Jocelyn, William and Michael will probably start some sort of preschool. Patrick will start grade 1 and move to full day school - probably in French Immersion. I will have to decide how to spend any time I get from the kids being in school longer, and will probably be looking for some form of income - though how likely that is with the current state of the global economy is in question.

May the year bring health and joy to us all.

Depending on the Kindness of ... Well, Anyone Who Offers

I am at the grocery store with all four kids. Patrick and I are each pushing a shopping cart. I have Jocelyn and Michael with me and Patrick has William. Patrick is set on steering without assistance, so I keep my distance and watch him weave William through the aisles, stepping in only when store inventory is in danger. Jocelyn and Michael are busy making each other laugh. William is watching Patrick. And I am trying to remember the 3 things I came into the store to buy.

I just barely feel like I am getting into the swing of things when Patrick announces that he needs to pee. Luckily, Patrick is old enough that I know I have a few minutes to find a washroom, but I still panic a little.

I think to myself, "Okay Kate, deep breath. First, find a staff member and ask directions." There is an employee just in front of me in the aisle. Great. "Excuse me, but where is the washroom?" "Upstairs." She goes on to give me directions, but I stopped hearing her after "upstairs." I can feel myself drawing a mental blank, failing to solve the problem of four children under 6, two shopping carts, stairs, a washroom and a child who needs to pee. I can just feel the fog clearing enough for me to ask about an elevator, when I become aware that a person in the aisle is approaching. I have almost realized that I can take William out of the still empty shopping cart and create a more manageable scenario, when a woman about my age approaches me. I recognize her. Not more than 5 minutes ago, I saw her and she made an endearing comment about me and the kids. I get a lot of comments, but I remember the people who say things that touch me. She had made a good one. "Can I help?" she asks.

I am still in the mental fog, so I simply say, "I'm trying to get him to the washroom," and point at Patrick. She nods and says, "Would you like me to watch the little ones while you take him? I'll just keep them here and entertain them." I look at her and make a snap judgment that I can trust her. "That sure would help," I say. As she steps over to smile at William, Patrick takes off for the stairs. As I reach the tops of the stairs, I realize that if I trust Patrick to go to the Men's room by himself, I can stand outside the door and look out over the balcony and wave to my 3 other kids. I choose to do this. I am not in control but I feel good about how I am managing my risks.

I send Patrick off to the washroom and turn to wave down to the aisle below. The woman watching the little ones has moved the carts so that all of the kids were able to watch me and Patrick and they are now all looking up at me and smiling. Patrick is quick and we bound back down to rejoin the family.

"Bless you," I say to the woman and my heart swells with relief and gratitude.

As we move off down the aisle to continue shopping, Patrick takes over pushing William's cart. She asks me how old Patrick is. When I say, "5," she says to Patrick, "You are a great helper." She follows up with a comment that implies that her 6 year-old son isn't always such a help. As she says this, I realize that Patrick is, indeed, a great helper. And so, of course, is she. On that day, I needed both of them.

What Makes a Great Day

There is no such thing as a perfect day in the world of triple toddlerdom, but some days come close.

There are some things that need not to happen to make a day a good day. No biting. No half hour-long tantrums, no major injuries, no taking away of privileges. And, there are some things that must happen for a good day: naps of decent lengths at decent times being the most important.

But, for a day to be great, there are entirely different criteria.

A great day requires forgetting about the housework that is never finished and the paperwork that could be done and the homework that isn't finished. On a great day, I forget about the coulds and shoulds and focus on the here and now and play with my family. It is possible to have a great day anywhere, but it comes more easily if we get away from the house.

On a great day out, the edges of the day usually look a little ragged. Getting out of the house in the morning takes ages and is sufficiently hurried that Andy and I wonder why we are going to do whatever it is we have planned. And, if the event goes well, there is usually at least one meltdown at the end when we load the kids back into the car before they are ready to leave.

So, with all that chaos in getting out, what makes it a great day? Simply this: by getting away from all the things at home that "need to be done", we are able to just enjoy each other. And that is what makes a great day.

We have had some great days out recently, including trips to the Sciencenter in Ithaca, NY; the Ajax Pumpkinville festival; an apple orchard west of Toronto; the Oshawa Zoo; a pumpkin patch in Oshawa, and beaches in Pickering, Whitby, and Ajax.

It doesn't take much of an event for us to enjoy the activity. But, it does tend to take an event or a destination to get us out of the house and into the spirit of relaxation and fun. Without a specific destination decided upon several days in advance, it is too easy to stay home. And, when we stay home, it is too easy to focus on getting stuff done rather than enjoying each other's company.

When we get away from the work of maintaining a house, we can see Patrick being exuberant, vibrant, and curious. We can see toddlers exploring a brave new world. We can share the fun of stomping in puddles (thank you, William), poking things with sticks (thank you, Jocelyn), and climbing anything in sight with abandon (thank you, Michael). When we are somewhere new and the kids are all exploring, we explore with them. We bring our attention to the little things, the new things, the details.

We can take the foursome to a playground and watch them explore differently. Patrick bounds over the top of anything he can climb. Jocelyn finds something that looks interesting but is challenging and repeats it several times, until she decides she know how to do it and then moves on to something new. Michael covers a distance - up to the top, down to the bottom, across all sides - making sure he hasn't missed the perfect climbing or hiding spot. And William tries to be like Patrick, until he is distracted by a dog or something that requires intense concentration.

We can go for a walk and notice that Patrick runs on ahead, Jocelyn looks at everything, Michael gets down on hands and knees to feel the ground beneath him, and William rushes on as fast as possible to get to the next corner or puddle. William has a hard time avoiding a puddle. Jocelyn collects leaves. Patrick sometimes stops for a caterpillar or butterfly, but mostly runs. Michael may walk beside you but he prefers not to hold your hand. Everybody smiles at things they enjoy, tasks they accomplish, dogs they pass.

On a great day, I notice these details and savour them. Each individual moment may not seem significant, but a collection of savoured moments becomes a treasure.

Old Hobbies in New Countries

One of the nice things about community theatre as a hobby is that you can meet people almost anywhere you move. By their nature, community theatres depend on lots of volunteers to keep going. And, because you have a project you are focused on, there is always something to talk about. Even the smallest company needs people to run front of house and perform onstage. All other functions can be duplicated by those people, but it does help to have designers, directors, set builders and painters, and stage managers. Generally, theatres are started because people want to act, but sometimes because people want to direct. In any case, there are usually more actors than can be used and a shortage of technical people. It isn't surprising to discover that one person does all the sound or all the lights, or even both, for a small theatre. Burnout is a real problem, so new energy is always appreciated.

For people like Andy and me who have technical skills and as much interest in the production end of things as performing, it is easy to find theatres that want us. It is usually as simple as saying, “Hey, do you need any help?” And, because we apply ourselves diligently to any project we undertake and hold ourselves to high standards, we tend to get asked back. We like to think that we are also friendly and fun to work with.

The trouble with theatre as a hobby is that it takes a lot of time. For families with kids, it is hard to be home enough with the kids and still at the theatre for rehearsals. The biggest challenge is bedtime, because young kids like to have mum or dad around at bedtime and don't like routines disturbed. But, bedtime is usually about the time rehearsals start. For me to undertake a theatrical commitment, Andy has to commit to getting home from work early several nights a week for several weeks. This is a big decision and not one to make lightly. Also, the last two weeks before performance are usually intensely busy, and require a lot of time at the theatre every day.

So, it was with trepidation and a lot of hope that Andy and I decided we would try to make it possible for me to do a show. I was needing a break from doing nothing but kid and house stuff and I was intrigued when one of the local community theatres advertised that they needed directors. I ordered the scripts of the plays in question and decided that I was interested in the scripts. Andy and I went to a show at the theatre to see if the quality was acceptable. The show, “Jeckle and Hyde” is a difficult musical and the production was not bad for community theatre. It had all of the problems that are standard for community theatres doing musicals, but the overall effect was entertaining. And that was good enough for me.

I emailed the theatre and got an interview. I had put my name in as a possible director for two shows – “Dracula” and “The Kitchen Witches” and needed to put together a proposal for both plays in a couple of weeks. For those two weeks, I spent evenings reading the plays and doing research on the Internet. I printed out images that seemed like good ideas for set and costume design and thought about characters and casting. I thought about the strengths and weaknesses of the script. The “Dracula” is a comic melodrama, which isn't quite how I prefer my Dracula, but it had some interesting twists. “The Kitchen Witches” script has a substantial weakness in that the arc of the humour is funky. There are slapstick, food fights, and audience participation in the middle of the show and the final two scenes are deeper emotionally. The humour and the emotion are character driven, so I thought that I could get a cast to keep the whole show together. Reviews of “The Kitchen Witches” made it clear that most performances focused on the physical humour and fell apart during the end of the show because the audience wasn't engaged with the overall story and the characters. Since I approach any show from the characters, it seemed like a good fit for me. Because I thought “The Kitchen Witches” would be a bigger challenge, I spent more time on it and ended up putting together a better proposal for that show, despite actually having more desire to direct “Dracula.” In any case, the interviewing committee asked me to direct “The Kitchen Witches.”

Finding the time at home to read the script and plan for rehearsals has been a challenge. Making sure that Andy and I both eat on the nights that I have rehearsal has been a challenge. Andy has been stellar about getting home early, but it has been stressful. He usually comes home, puts the kids to bed, and then works from home. The nights he doesn't have to be home, he works late to make up for it.

My mother is coming for most of the two weeks before the show opens. We will need her. Especially since I roped Andy into being my sound designer.

In some ways, I dislike having Andy design sound for a show I am directing because I we don't have the childcare to get him to rehearsal as often as he likes. Both he and I know that he could do a much better job if he were free to go to rehearsals and time scenes and understand the show as it being performed. He ends up somewhat frustrated that he can't do his best work. On the other hand, a shoddy job by Andy is better than a top-notch job by almost any other sound designer that I have worked with in community theatre. And, we can work together at home on the design elements before he gets to the theatre, which is fun. Andy and I met through a community theatre and spent a lot of time working on shows together before we had kids, so working on a show together reminds us of a more carefree and creative time. It is fun, but more importantly, it is good for our relationship.

The commitment to doing a show is huge and it is hard to manage with young kids, but there is a payoff. And that makes the difference. This process of putting together this show is so much chaos and such a challenge to schedule that I think it will be some time before I do another show – or at least before I take on a directing project. On the other hand, it is nice to know that we can do this if we choose.

Birthday Party Planning

I find celebrating my children's birthdays challenging. I want to find a way to make the day feel special, to make the child feel as though their friends have helped celebrate, and to feel good about the values I am revealing and the choices I am making.

Many of Patrick's friends have a party somewhere other than the family home. It seems to me that this trend is supported by parents for several reasons. First, a party at home is a lot of work and a party somewhere else eases some of the work. Second, once a child has been to several parties at fancy places, they start asking for them for themselves. I prefer home parties for several reasons, but the big one is that they are more personal.

A party at home means a lot of cleaning - both to prepare and to reset afterwards. A party at home means planning activities, choosing a menu, and managing some number of children other than your own. A party at home means having space for the guests to play and being willing to incur damage in that place.

A party at home can be cheaper or more expensive than a party at another location. Some party places provide full service (activities, food, cake, loot bags). The cheaper places provide activities, pizza and juice, and a party room while parents bring cake and loot bags. Many party places have a highly structured schedule of activities, which may or may not include much time for the guests to play with each other.

There is an ease to "event" parties in that some of the work is replaced by financial outlay. But, I decided that I would host Patrick's party at our house. I am reluctant to create the habit of "event" parties because they do not support my underlying goal that birthdays be an emotional event rather than a commercial event. Patrick had a party at a farm last year and so I wanted the party at home this year. Last year, the house was swamped with the tools to care for three infants and could not practically be turned into a celebration of Patrick for a day. This year, with three toddlers, it was easier to make the day about Patrick and to stay at home.

I chose to make things easier at home by ordering pizza as the main food, serving fruit that the grocery store had prepped, and by hiring a babysitter to take the little kids to the park while the big kids played at our house. I also said "yes" to every mother who offered to stay for the party and help out.

I want Patrick's friends to feel good about coming to the house, so I wanted not to fall down on any of the items kids expect at birthday parties: food, cake, activities, and the parentally-dreaded loot bags. But, I also wanted to maintain a sense of casual fun. Patrick has friends from many venues: 2 schools, the neighborhood, and family friends. Many of his friends do not know each other well as the only time they come together is at Patrick's party, but some of them are in school together and see each other often. So, one of my challenges to myself was to provide activities that make the children who do not know each other comfortable. I knew this would mean a mix of in-the-moment introductions and suggestions, individual and group activities, and a dose of shared laughter.

When I spoke to Patrick about his party, he asked to have a Superhero party. Patrick only knows a few Superheroes: Spiderman, Batman, Superman and the Hulk. These would become the basis of the party theme. Patrick had recently been to a Spiderman party that he really enjoyed and clearly wanted to have a similar party for himself. I didn't want him to compare the parties directly, so I made it clear that there were some things that we couldn't do, but I did incorporate a few of the things he liked best about the other party.

Patrick's invite list included a mix of boys and girls, so I really wanted to include some female superheros in the party theme. Most of the prepacked party supplies for superhero parties are male or hard to get, so this proved to be a challenge. I found stickers of The Incredibles, so I could put Elastigirl and Violet on the invitations and decorations. I found images of some of the female characters from The X-Men World to add to the decorations. Otherwise, I focused on the heroes Patrick knows. But, I really felt that some female images were important, even if they were subtle.

I planned a few formal games (Pin the Supervillain on Spidey's web, Hot Potato, and a version of musical chairs involving standing on Batman's logo). I had small prizes for the winner of pin the villain on the web, superhero stickers between every layer of the hot potato, and temporary tattoos for people as they were eliminated from the musical chairs games. I also made spiderweb paddles for batting balloons around the room.

We have several climbing structures in and out of the house and lots of toys, so anytime the kids were all playing well with the house toys, I just let them play. When it seemed that someone was feeling left out or getting bored, I brought out the next group game. To keep the casual nature of the event, anyone who wanted not to play the formal game was given explicit permission to play with what interested them.

As a craft, I bought some masks to decorate and capes for the kids to wear and take home. I put crayons, markers, superhero stickers and self-adhesive jewels out to use as decorations. The masks and capes were a big hit and the kids were thrilled that they could take them home. Several parents thought the mask and cape would have been a sufficient party favour, which I will remember when planning for future parties. But, Patrick thinks of giving out loot bags as part of having a party, so I had also made loot bags.

The loot bags were pencil cases with fun patterns rather than disposable plastic bags with licensed characters on them. The loot itself had been chosen by Patrick with my guidance. I refuse to give out candy as part of loot bags and like the items to be things I would feel okay about Patrick getting. This year the bags had stickers, pencils and activity books plus a little parachute toy.

My final thing about loot bags is that Patrick gives them out. I do not give them out. I help Patrick make sure that everybody gets one, but it is his job to give out the bags and personally say "thank you for coming to my party" to each of his guests. To me, this is the valuable part of loot bags. It gives Patrick a chance to learn about saying goodbye to his guests nicely, to take himself away from the playtime and see people to the door. And, he also learns something about how good it feels to give things away when people appreciate the bag.

The party planning was a lot of work. The games took time to decide on and to make. Shopping for the materials for the craft took some ingenuity given my tight schedule and the trouble involved in taking 3 toddlers and a soon to be 5 year-old shopping. Cleaning the house was a challenge since the main play spaces are dominated by toddler play and needed to be converted to places for Kindergarten-aged kids. The party schedule was a little funky - food was later than expected since it took longer to get the pizza than we had planned for.

But, the kids had fun. One of the moms who stayed to help did a tremendous job of pointing out some things I hadn't thought of and getting a few extra things taken care of. In the end, this year we all felt good about Patrick's party. And that is what really matters.

Life at Maximum Capacity

Over the years, I have gained a reputation of someone who does a lot with the time I have. And this may be true. Right now, however, I feel I am at my limit. And yet, when something else happens and needs to be dealt with, I find a way to make it happen.

I started this blog when life was relatively calm, and I had some minutes to devote to writing. Shortly afterwards, a few special events crept into the calendar and the writing slowed down to once a month. Since then, we have cut down on the amount of help I have taking care of the kids, I have started directing a play, summer vacation has meant more travel and more kids at home, and the little ones have become dangerous climbers instead of just maniacal runners. The end result is a level of running to keep in place that I don't think is maintainable.

Our basic schedule is full. Somewhere between 5:30 and 6:30 am, kids start waking. It takes until 8:00 or 8:30 to get everybody dressed and fed. About 8:45, Michael, William and Jocelyn need a nap. On weekdays, Andy leaves for work at about 8:45, sometimes taking Patrick to summer camp on his way. Sometime around 10:15, Michael, William and Jocelyn rouse from their naps, but not all at the same time. Those of us who are awake play inside until the rest are awake. About 11:30, Jocelyn, Michael and William have lunch. Sometime between 12:30 and 1:30, they show signs of needing a nap. They get up from their nap somewhere between 2:00 and 3:00. Between 3:30 and 4:00, the nanny arrives to help me out until after William, Jocelyn and Michael are in bed. At 4:00, I have to get Patrick if he is at camp. Dinner is at 4:45 and the dinner, bath, bedtime ritual for all 4 kids continues non-stop from 4:45pm until 7:30pm. After Patrick is in bed, Andy and I must have supper, do all business related to keeping the house running and prepare for tomorrow. Plus, Andy usually has work he needs to do in the evenings and I now have rehearsals several nights a week.

While the little ones are awake, they must be protected from themselves and each other. They are toddlers, so they all think all things are their individual property. They are good climbers without much common sense, so they try to walk off sofas and dive over furniture. They are preverbal, so communication with each other often consists of hitting, pulling and biting.

The kitchen floor must be swept (and usually mopped) after every meal. At least one load of laundry a day must be done - 2 is better. Toys could do with being picked up several times a day, but usually only get picked up in the evening. The cats are desperate for affection.

For the past two weeks, we have had a hot house. Our air conditioner failed and it turned out to be one of these problems that showed problems throughout the heating and cooling system. So, instead of just getting it fixed, we have been trying to decide how much of the system to replace and what to replace it with. I have been meeting with the salesmen and Andy has been doing the research on options and companies. When the salesmen have come to the house to make the pitch, they have all suggested that maybe we should have a meeting where Andy and I could both be at the meeting so that all of our questions could be answered at once. I have been polite and indicated that this would not be possible. I have not told them that given Andy's work schedule and my rehearsal schedule and the children's schedules, the only time that Andy and I are consistently in the same place and the same time is midnight to 5:30am. In fact, our paths cross more than that, but only just.

When something comes up, we deal with it, but something has to give a little.

Last week, I had to cancel a rehearsal for my play because the roof of the theatre building suffered damage in a storm. And then, this week, I got a call from the theatre manager telling me that my Wednesday night rehearsal this week could not be at the theatre because of a scheduling conflict. So, instead of preparing for rehearsal by reviewing my notes and planning what I was going to do with the actors, I prepared by clearing out my basement so we could use it as a rehearsal space.

Andy and I both need a vacation. But, it needs to be a vacation without the kids. Traveling with 4 small kids may be fun and good for them, but it is hard work for the parents. But, life with 4 active kids under 6 is sufficiently hard that nobody wants to take them off our hands for a few days. And so, tomorrow evening, we will get in the car after an early dinner and drive 5-6 hours to a house that we will spend the first morning child-proofing. It will be good to get away, but we will come back needing another vacation.

Just the Good Bits

It is easy to be overwhelmed with the extra risks and challenges associated with a multiple pregnancy and raising multiples. On one of the parenting multiples bulletin boards I frequent, an expectant mother asked people to share only the good bits in one thread so that she had some happy things to think about when she felt overwhelmed. I thought it was a great idea to have such a thread so I added a quick post. The following is what I wrote.


Some of the Good Bits

All the cute things babies and toddlers do are just cuter when two or more do it at the same time: sleeping, cuddling, putting all the shoes in the laundry basket, wobbly running, dancing, chasing the cat (which is only cute as long as the cat gets away), wearing big brother's baseball caps, running around in just a diaper, giggling, splashing the bath water.

Right now, my favorite thing is watching them play peek-a-boo with each other round the furniture. And chasing each other around the hallway and falling into puddles of giggles. Actually, the puddles of giggles come in all sorts of places. They crack each other up and I love it. I don't always love some of the things they do that crack each other up, but the shared laughter is wonderful.

The moments where they mimic each other are precious. And so are the hugs where everybody gets involved.

Just sitting on the living room floor as they each play with something different is amazing. And some days it lasts for a while. Watching three toddlers learning to dance and seeing who responds to which music. In fact, any time they play together happily is a marvelous time if I recognize it. Three toddlers tearing up and down the couch. Watching them all crawl up the stairs together. And, seeing one of them learn something from watching another.

If you can manage to keep your sense of humour, the attempts of one to help change another's diaper are pretty hysterical.

An image from this morning of three faces plastered to the patio window as Daddy mowed the lawn. They don't put anything on tv that's anything like so much fun to watch.

Sometimes, you meet really nice people who just say nice things to you or do nice things for you because they see you with multiples. But, my favorite times are when things are just going smoothly and my 4 beautiful children are playing well together and enjoying life. The moments don't always last, but the older they get, the more they seem to happen.

Feeding the Family in an Over-Developed Nation

Food.

Some days, I feel as though I think of nothing but food. There are so many options and so many questions. We have the money to buy a wide variety of food and a huge selection at our local grocery stores, farmer's markets, etc. I do not spend all day thinking about how we will afford the basic calories we need to survive. I spend all day thinking about how to exercise our options.

What to feed everybody? What ingredients do I need in the house? When can I get grocery shopping or can I get Andy to do it for me? When do I need to start cooking? Is it already too late to start dinner in the slow cooker? Is this a reasonable nutritional mix? How can we afford to feed the whole family the wholesome, tasty food we got used to before we had kids? Will the kids eat the food I prepare for them, and if not, what will I do with the leftovers? How can one-year-olds eat so much and a four-year-old eat so little? How little time can I spend in the kitchen today?

It might be easier if I weren't such an avid reader. I add all sorts of questions to my list by reading up on nutrition, environmentalism, and food politics. Which foods should we really be eating organic? How can we eat locally grown food in a region where the growing season is short? Should I really take up canning and preserving to eat locally? Should we be eating less meat? Are the foods I'm serving really full of nutrients or do we need supplements to make up for the lack of nutrients in the farmer's soil? Can I do anything about reducing my family's exposure to genetically modified foods? Which fish are sustainably fished, low in mercury, and high in omega-3s? It's enough to get my head spinning.

Have you noticed that the most important questions from a quality of life perspective are missing? Shouldn't I be asking these questions instead:

What foods do we all like to eat?
When can we all eat together as a family?
How should we organize things so that we slow down and enjoy our meals together?

Even the quality of life questions don't have easy answers. 6 people have 6 different tastes and food moods. There are food sensitivities to consider. Andy gets home from work at varying times, usually after some of the kids are in bed. Do I eat with him or the kids? Patrick takes 10-15 minutes to eat and then gets bored. The younger ones often take 30-45 minutes to eat a meal. Some of Patrick's favorite foods are foods that the little ones aren't supposed to have for another year.

If money were tighter or options fewer, just eating enough calories would feel like success. But with a little more resource and too much information, it is easy for food to become a constant problem that needs to be solved rather than an enjoyable part of the day. The challenge is to find an acceptable balance. These days, I feel off balance. Worrying too much and enjoying too little. And, if I'm not careful, I 'll add worrying about that to the head-spinning.

I think I'd better just go play with the kids.

Matters of Perspective

A houseful of sick children isn't any fun at all, but I have had a few interesting moments of awareness over the past weekend. The whole family has been fighting a nasty virus and William, Jocelyn and Michael have all had ear infections. Jocelyn, in particular, has been quite sick and has needed to be in arms for most of the weekend.

On weekends, there is a paediatric walk-in clinic very close to us and, on Saturday, I took Michael and Jocelyn to see the doctor there. The building is small and the office is up a ramp and down two steps, so it is not a good place to take a stroller. However, on my own with two sick toddlers, I insist on taking our double stroller. I was taking up most of the space in the centre of the waiting room when I heard some conversation in the hall that sounded like three kids being introduced. I was curious and poked my head out into the hall, where I found a couple with three 10-month-old boys. Thrilled to meet another family with triplets, I pulled the stroller into the hallway, where we were even more in the way and chatted with the other family until the doctor was ready to see us. Two of the boys were waiting to see the doctor. They have no other siblings, and their parents had come together with all three boys because it was the easiest option for them. It did seem easier for the two of them to handle their three boys than it was for me to handle two on my own, as they always had one adult who was only holding one baby. That said, it was easier for me to handle two children and the stroller than it would have been for Andy and me to handle 4 children, with or without the stroller.

As we came close to the top of the waiting list, I moved into the waiting room to be sure I heard when we were called. While I was standing there, one of the mums close by said something about my "twins" and I mentioned that they were two of a set of triplets. One mum close by made a comment about how challenging it must be and the mum sitting next to her commented that every child is a blessing. The second mum then went on to talk about her trials with infertility and stated that the child who was next to her is enough blessing if she never has another successful round of infertility treatment again. I don't know whether she was assuming that the triplets were the result of infertility treatments or she was using her experience to explain why she thought that any child is a blessing, even if it is hard work to have triplets. In either case, she is right that each of my children is a blessing.

One of the special things about this weekend was that, because of the special treatment everybody needed depending on how sick they were, I have been caring for unusual combinations of children at one time. I took Jocelyn and Michael to the doctor. I played with Patrick and William for quite a while today while Jocelyn was with Andy and Michael was having an extra nap. I played with William and Michael while Patrick watched a movie and Jocelyn was with Andy. I held Jocelyn while the others were with Andy.

I was particularly struck by the unique combinations at bedtime tonight. Andy was taking care of Jocelyn and I gave Patrick, William and Michael their bath together. The regular bedtime process starts with getting upstairs. Michael and Patrick can climb stairs well, though Michael sometimes slips if he gets distracted. William is only starting to get the hang of stairs. Patrick ran up the stairs and served as inspiration for Michael, who climbed quickly after his biggest brother. William was slower, but making progress, so I nudged him and assisted him in order to remain close enough to Michael to catch him if needed. All three got to the top of the stairs mostly on their own initiative. It was nice to be able to let William climb up and not have to carry him, which I would have done if Jocelyn had been waiting for me to get back downstairs.

At the top of the stairs, Michael made a beeline into my bedroom, which is not childproofed. Patrick ran in after him and held him away from dangerous things until I could come in and take Michael back into the hallway. Then, Patrick and I sped in front of William and Michael and closed all the doors off the upstairs hallway except the bathroom door. Michael and William wanted to explore the bathroom, so soon we were all in the bathroom with the door closed. The bath was short and sweet for Michael and William. Patrick stayed for a longer bath and I took the other two into the hallway, shutting the bathroom door behind us. The hallway is well secured, so it was easy for me to help Michael and William into pajamas while they played. A quick trip downstairs to make the night time bottles and the two younger boys were ready for bed. It seemed incredibly easy compared to getting the three youngest bathed together. For one thing, I had enough arms to pick up all the children I couldn't reason with. For another, Patrick was able to help. He helped keep Michael safe in the bedroom, and he helped keep William safe in the bathtub while I dried Michael off enough to let him roam the bathroom on his own. There was never a moment of panic that I didn't have enough arms to handle the situation.

For most of the past year, we have mostly either done things as a complete family or split up with Patrick with one adult and the three little ones with the other. This weekend, however, we have been forced to make different divisions and I have seen advantages to all of them. Hopefully, I will use this as a springboard for devising more activities that do not always split the family up by age. It is good for us all to experience all the combinations that our big family provides, and it is easier not to have one adult responsible for three toddlers. It is unfortunate that it took a weekend of sickness to make us break our habits, but sometimes it is only forced adjustments to our routines that allow us to see other ways that the world might be.

On Going Home

They say you can never go home again. Sometimes, however, you can do something close.

Two years ago, Patrick and I spent most of the week with a single family. Patrick and I had very conveniently bonded deeply with a boy and his mother who lived extremely close to us. And, the rest of the families got along well, too. Our weekdays often started with a joint activity and sometimes involved lunch or an afternoon playdate as well. If Andy was traveling, the afternoons we spent together would often turn into dinner together.

Two weeks ago, as a March break special event, Patrick and I went back to our old neighbourhood in California while Andy stayed at home with Jocelyn, William and Michael. We stayed with the family of Patrick's best buddy. We are the sort of friends who can easily slip into being together after a long absence. It was almost like the past year had never happened, except for a few details: we were sleeping at their house; the boys are taller; the homework is harder; there were pictures and videos of three other children who look like Patrick floating around. But, for Patrick and me to spend a week based at their house with some separate activities seemed completely natural. Surprisingly often, there was no sense that most of our family was missing. It was a wonderful trip, but a slightly surreal experience.

This past week, we have been back in the reality of our now with our complete family. And, as so often happens after a vacation, the week in California already feels somewhat dream-like. And we are home again.

A Trio, Not Three of a Kind

It is hard to avoid a certain amount of batch processing with triplets, but some approaches seem more batch than necessary. For some things, a group makes sense. Mealtimes and bedtime, for instance. For others, a more individual approach strikes me as healthier.

Despite the unanimous agreement of people who claim to be experts that it is a bad idea, plenty of parents of multiples give their kids names that rhyme, start with the same letter, end with the same sound, or have some other "cute" relationship. Now, I have to confess that there is a relationship between the names of our trio, but I wouldn't call it a "cute" one; they are all family names. That said, they do come from two different families.

I have always been irritated, especially, by the folks who dress their multiples in matching clothes. From my perspective it focuses on their groupness and the random fact that they share a birthday rather than on the fact that they are three special little people. And, I think it is worse for identical multiples because they have a hard time establishing their uniqueness without matching clothes. And so, I have never before dressed my trio alike.

But, today, when I reached into the drawers to get clothes, I found a burgundy top and blue trousers on the top of all of Michael, William and Jocelyn's piles. Since I consciously dress them differently, I was curious to see what it would be like to put them all in these similar outfits. Michael was in denim overalls and a turtleneck, William in denim overalls and a henley, and Jocelyn was in a boyish long sleeve t-shirt and cargo sweatpants. Each of them were super cute. They didn't match exactly, but they were definitely a set. And, it irritated me all day. Sure, it was cute, but it seemed cute at the expense of my lovely children's unique personalities. When people look at my kids, I don't want them to see "Patrick and the Triplets", I want them to see Patrick the goofy, Jocelyn the imp, climbing Michael, and laughing William.

Michael, William and Jocelyn are sufficiently different in behaviour, mood, size, coloring, facial features, etc. that those of us who are with them every day were never in serious trouble with identifying them, but the neighbor girl who comes over once a week or so got the boys confused several times.

In the past, I had thought I could make allowances for people who wanted to have the cuteness factor in special pictures, but, after today, I have changed my mind on that. Special pictures tend to be seen by people who don't see you very often and these are the people who most need help in telling the kids apart. And public outings are worse; the kids are actually going to be there to hear if you don't get their names right.

And so, I don't think I'll be repeating this little experiment, but I'm quite glad I actually did it once.

Sleep

Parents of small children who don't sleep well tend to spend a lot of time obsessing about sleep. That would include me. Andy and I seem to have genes that combine to create children who walk early and sleep through the night late. Personally, if given a choice, I would vote for sleep through the night early and walk late, but the universe doesn't give us such choices.

In the early days of sleepless nights, the outside world is forgiving. "They have newborns at home, poor things. No wonder they look exhausted." It's even more so with triplets: "How do they get any sleep at all?" We actually did really well in the early days. We were given a gift of night time help, so we got to sleep through many of the mid-night feedings. Our nights were short and somewhat interrupted, but not completely broken. Then, the gift money ran out before the kids were sleeping through the night and we were on our own for nights. As sleep deprivation mounts, all sorts of things suffer and getting back to sleeping well becomes hugely important.

When infants are sharing a room and waking at night, there is always the question of "will they wake the others?" A certain amount of fussing while they figure out how to go back to sleep is sometimes good for one child, but it becomes a disaster when one baby wakes two babies, who then cry like mad about being woken up. It has taken us some time to find a balance that mostly works. And we are still working on the whole "sleep from bedtime until morning" thing.

On an excellent night, Michael, William and Jocelyn are asleep by 7:00 pm and Patrick is asleep by 7:30. Michael sleeps through until between 6:00 and 6:30 am. Patrick sleeps through until somewhere between 6:30 and 8:00. William and Jocelyn have each slept through until 6:00 or 6:30, but never on the same night. More often, one or both of them wakes and wants a drink of water between 3:30 and 4:30.

On a more typical night, we don't go in to see them any more often than on an excellent night, but Michael wakes and cries out 3-4 times before midnight and William wakes and cries out 3-4 times between midnight and the early morning water. After his early morning water, William often chatters to himself - or to Jocelyn if she will listen - for half an hour or more before going back to sleep.

Because of the concern about one baby waking the other two and the fact that sound doesn't travel well from the nursery to our bedroom, we have had the monitor on and are being woken by the cries that don't need help. It is time to turn the monitor off and trust that we will hear the important cries, and hope that the ones we miss don't turn into all-baby cry-fests. If that works, it will still take time for our bodies to sleep through the times when the babies used to cry.

Turning the monitor off felt like a big deal when Patrick was ready for it. It feels even more frightening now because of the possibility of mass meltdown if we don't wake soon enough. But it has to be tried. Wish us luck.

I Love You The Best

At the ripe old age of 4 1/2, Patrick is a little vague on superlatives.

When asked to name his favorite colour, for example, he is likely to reply, "Red...and blue...and yellow...and red...and green."

Nevertheless, when I heard him say to Jocelyn, "I love you the best," I thought I needed to address his comment. So, we had a discussion about how Michael and William might have their feelings hurt if they heard him say that to Jocelyn. I told him that it is okay to have a favorite sibling but it is important not to say so.

He absorbed the conversation in his own, inimitable, style. At breakfast this morning, I witnessed the following.

William, Jocelyn, and Michael were sitting in their high chairs eating Mum-Mums while I prepared their cereal. Patrick got down from his seat, walked over to them and said, "I love you the best, William." My heart skipped a beat. Before I could react, he continued, " I love you the best, Jocelyn. I love you the best, Michael." And then, without further ado, he returned to his own seat to finish his toast.

First Steps

It seems appropriate to be starting this blog as the babies are starting to walk. For anyone reading this who doesn't know, the babies are Michael, William and Jocelyn and they are 10 months old. Jocelyn starting putting several steps together a couple of weeks ago and the boys have taken their first independent steps this week. And I am taking my first steps into the world of blogging.

I intended to start a blog while I was pregnant as a way to let folks know en masse what is going on with us. But, good intentions don't get you very far in the midst of an international, transcontinental move during a high risk pregnancy. I did actually find a host for a blog and create a web address and name for the blog and then ignored it for a year. So, now I'm trying again. Maybe the fact that we have settled into a home and a sort of routine will allow me to make this work. And, maybe not, but I'm going to give it a shot.

And so, a brief, general description of life as we know it. Things like descriptions of the kids personalities will have to wait for other entries.

Daily life is full.

At 6:30 am, the babies start coming downstairs for the day. Coffee is necessary for everyone over 4 foot tall. Diapers need changing; bottles need making; Patrick needs waking. By 8:30 on a week day, four children have been fed and dressed and Patrick is on his way to school. The kitchen is a disaster: trays, bibs, plates, and floor covered with food; milk, cereal, toast fixings, etc. still on the counter, waiting for Kate to get breakfast when the babies take their morning nap; and coffee cups half-full of cold coffee sitting on random shelves. Andy takes Patrick to school and then heads to work via the local shopping plaza. This is prime time for picking up anything unrefrigerated that is needed at home.

A short nap and some play time for the littlest ones and it is time for lunch. On a good day, the nap is long enough for Kate to get the breakfast mess cleared in time to make the lunch mess.

Patrick comes home for a 15-minute lunch between his morning Montessori school and his afternoon Junior Kindergarten at the local public school. Meanwhile the nanny is feeding the little ones. When Patrick is off at school and the other kids take their afternoon nap, Kate and the nanny attempt to eat lunch, fold laundry, clean the kitchen, wash bottles, prepare food for the evening, run errands, and maybe even get a few moments to rest. Mileage varies with the length of nap.

Patrick finishes school at 3:10. On a warm day, if everyone is awake in time, the two adults load up the triple stroller and walk to get him. After school, play time and homework until 4:30, when the dinner rush begins. By 5:45, four kids have been fed and are being coaxed into pajamas. Final bottles for the little ones and it's bedtime at 6:30. Then, Patrick gets a bedtime routine to himself while the nanny washes bottles and recovers the kitchen after the dinner mess. By 7:30 pm, the kids are in bed and the adults are exhausted and hungry. On a good day, food is ready to eat when Patrick gets to bed. Otherwise, there is still one meal to prepare.

Only Patrick will sleep through the night. At least once, and up to 4 times, between 3:00 and 5:00 am, parental presence is required in the nursery. The period between bedtime and 3:00 am is less predictable, but often involves some parental attention.

In the evenings, Kate and Andy trade off taking care of the household and getting some time to themselves. Andy is taking guitar and skating lessons. Kate has drawing lessons and time at the gym.

Weekends are more full.

Weekends see skating and swimming lessons for Patrick, attempts to get everybody out of the house for a bit, and progress on household projects. The absence of the nanny on the weekends means that some of the daily upkeep of the house is left until Monday morning so that special activities are possible.

The current mission of the adults in the household is preparing for the onslaught of a walking trio. Gates are going up. Furniture is being anchored. Rooms are being designated as appropriate for toys with small pieces. It's all slow going.

It all adds up to two tired adults - with four mostly happy kids.