I don't have a lot of conversations with other parents at school pick-up and drop off these days. I am generally too busy trying to keep track of three two-year olds playing in an area that is not separated from the parking lot. But, I overhear the other parents talking. Today, the conversation was about plans for next year and which of the kids would be at the school in the fall. It is a small private nursery school and kindergarten. Some of the kids leave at 4 to go to junior kindergarten (J.K.), while others stay until they go to other schools for grade 1.
I heard one mother say, "He'll be in J.K. next year at the same school as his older brother. It'll be so nice just to have one place to drop them both." There was a collective audible but nonverbal response of agreement that it would be a relief. I found myself wondering if I will ever drop all my kids off at one school. Assuming that we stay where we are and things progress as expected, I will get one year with that convenience.
Next year, Patrick will be in grade 2 at his current school and Jocelyn, William and Michael will start the Casa program at a local private Montessori school. The following year, everybody will stay at the same schools unless we can't afford another year of Montessori, in which case the three little ones will do public kindergarten at our local school, which isn't where Patrick goes.
When Patrick hits grade 4, he is expected to go to a third school in our local public district for the congregated gifted program, while his siblings finish the Casa program, assuming the money is there.
When Patrick gets to grade 5, Jocelyn, William, and Michael will start at Patrick's current school, where they will presumably stay until grade 4.
When Michael, Jocelyn and William hit grade 4, I expect they will follow Patrick to the congregated gifted program, where Patrick will be doing his final year before moving on to high school and for one year, they will be together: the oldest and youngest kids in the program.
Patrick will finish high school the spring before his siblings start.
Of course, if not all the kids get into the gifted program, I won't even get that one year with all the kids in one school. I know this has more to do with the age gap between my kids than the number of them. It just strikes me as another way in which the family I dreamed of would have been easier than the family I ended up with. But, such is life.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Moments of Method, Moments of Madness
The intensity of toddlerhood is magnified with multiples. If things are working, they are wonderful. But the meltdowns are spectacular.
William, Michael and Jocelyn have been developing the ability to play independently, together and with Patrick, in ways that require me to engage infrequently. This is a wonderful development. Of course, fights and disagreements arise and I have to help them sort things out. But, often, I can do something else that needs to be done while listening for screams and attending to the needs of those who seek me out for attention.
We have reached a new level of being able to take turns and play structured games together. In January, my parents and I introduced the triplets to board games, starting with Candyland. The first time we played, each child had an adult to help them, and this eased the learning process. Now, as long as I am highly engaged, we can play with just one adult. I need to lead with a heavy hand, telling everybody whose turn it is, reminding them where to put their cards, helping them take their turns and move their pieces, keeping track of whose turn it is as they wander away from the board and come back, etc. But it works, and they keep asking to play it again. Recently, I introduced them to a memory game involving turning over cards to find pairs. Once again, by leading firmly, I was able to manage the game with all four children in such a way that they had fun.
Reading a book together has become a wonderful family bonding experience. When I sit on the sofa with a book to read and the four children gather around to listen, there is usually some jostling into position before things get started, but then I often read three or four books in a row before people get restless.
If only one person wants a story and the others are off doing their own things, it is a different experience all together. Yesterday, for instance, I had one tired child who wanted to snuggle and read a story. He found a book and climbed into my lap with his blankie to cuddle and I started reading. I had to interrupt what could have been a 5-7 minute long story for 2 trips to the washroom, including cleaning up one potty accident; one fall; one tussle over toys; and a spilled drink. By the time I finished reading the story, all four children had cried, shouted, or been disciplined and I was mentally scattered.
When the weather is warm, I am now able to walk with Michael, William and Jocelyn to the bus stop to meet Patrick after school. This is a new development and I am still wary of taking them very far for a walk. When things go well, it feels quite easy, but it only takes one child who doesn't want to follow the plan for it to become dangerous. With one toddler, I could just pick him up and carry him when he became unwilling to behave safely. With three, it just isn't possible.
Living with the daily chaos, I don't always notice how much the kids are growing up. But, we are not the same as we were in the fall. I still feel overwhelmed by how much the little ones cannot yet do for themselves, but they are able to do more all the time. Each self-care skill the kids acquire makes it easier for me to enjoy these wonderful children rather than be overwhelmed by how much work I have to do.
William, Michael and Jocelyn have been developing the ability to play independently, together and with Patrick, in ways that require me to engage infrequently. This is a wonderful development. Of course, fights and disagreements arise and I have to help them sort things out. But, often, I can do something else that needs to be done while listening for screams and attending to the needs of those who seek me out for attention.
We have reached a new level of being able to take turns and play structured games together. In January, my parents and I introduced the triplets to board games, starting with Candyland. The first time we played, each child had an adult to help them, and this eased the learning process. Now, as long as I am highly engaged, we can play with just one adult. I need to lead with a heavy hand, telling everybody whose turn it is, reminding them where to put their cards, helping them take their turns and move their pieces, keeping track of whose turn it is as they wander away from the board and come back, etc. But it works, and they keep asking to play it again. Recently, I introduced them to a memory game involving turning over cards to find pairs. Once again, by leading firmly, I was able to manage the game with all four children in such a way that they had fun.
Reading a book together has become a wonderful family bonding experience. When I sit on the sofa with a book to read and the four children gather around to listen, there is usually some jostling into position before things get started, but then I often read three or four books in a row before people get restless.
If only one person wants a story and the others are off doing their own things, it is a different experience all together. Yesterday, for instance, I had one tired child who wanted to snuggle and read a story. He found a book and climbed into my lap with his blankie to cuddle and I started reading. I had to interrupt what could have been a 5-7 minute long story for 2 trips to the washroom, including cleaning up one potty accident; one fall; one tussle over toys; and a spilled drink. By the time I finished reading the story, all four children had cried, shouted, or been disciplined and I was mentally scattered.
When the weather is warm, I am now able to walk with Michael, William and Jocelyn to the bus stop to meet Patrick after school. This is a new development and I am still wary of taking them very far for a walk. When things go well, it feels quite easy, but it only takes one child who doesn't want to follow the plan for it to become dangerous. With one toddler, I could just pick him up and carry him when he became unwilling to behave safely. With three, it just isn't possible.
Living with the daily chaos, I don't always notice how much the kids are growing up. But, we are not the same as we were in the fall. I still feel overwhelmed by how much the little ones cannot yet do for themselves, but they are able to do more all the time. Each self-care skill the kids acquire makes it easier for me to enjoy these wonderful children rather than be overwhelmed by how much work I have to do.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Why the Break in Blog Posts
It has been months since I found time to articulate my thoughts enough to post an update. I apologize to those of you who want updates and don't get them any other way.
December was busy getting ready for the holidays, which pounced on me with less warning than usual, or at least it seemed that way. I was in rehearsal for a play that would be in performance in late January. Dangerous Obsession is a three person cast, and I was onstage for the whole show, so there was no sitting around the theatre during rehearsal to learn my lines or do anything other than rehearse.
Shortly before Christmas, a beloved aunt of mine was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had surgery, which put an emotional strain on the whole family. By the end of January, it was clear that she was deteriorating rapidly and would not survive for long. The family came together as often as possible, rallying around her and each other to celebrate her life and ease her death to the extent we could. When she died, I personally experienced that awful mix of emotions that include devastation at her loss and relief that her suffering was over.
Parenting through grief is challenging. Patrick knew and loved Karen and understood what was happening. The triplets were oblivious. The energy of young children who were thrilled to be visiting their grandparents often, as we did during February, distracted the adults somewhat from our grief, which was a welcome relief. However, alone with the children at home, I have found it a struggle to by buoyed up by their enthusiasm and not weighted down with the challenges of providing a warm home for 4 children who need me so fully all the time.
At the same time, Andy is in rehearsal for a play – a much needed and much deserved project for him – and is extremely busy at work. He has been a tremendous support through my loss, but he needs support through his busy time, now.
The last few months have been a time where my self care needs have required a lot of retreating into myself. And, this internal retreat is the main reason for my lack of updates.
December was busy getting ready for the holidays, which pounced on me with less warning than usual, or at least it seemed that way. I was in rehearsal for a play that would be in performance in late January. Dangerous Obsession is a three person cast, and I was onstage for the whole show, so there was no sitting around the theatre during rehearsal to learn my lines or do anything other than rehearse.
Shortly before Christmas, a beloved aunt of mine was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had surgery, which put an emotional strain on the whole family. By the end of January, it was clear that she was deteriorating rapidly and would not survive for long. The family came together as often as possible, rallying around her and each other to celebrate her life and ease her death to the extent we could. When she died, I personally experienced that awful mix of emotions that include devastation at her loss and relief that her suffering was over.
Parenting through grief is challenging. Patrick knew and loved Karen and understood what was happening. The triplets were oblivious. The energy of young children who were thrilled to be visiting their grandparents often, as we did during February, distracted the adults somewhat from our grief, which was a welcome relief. However, alone with the children at home, I have found it a struggle to by buoyed up by their enthusiasm and not weighted down with the challenges of providing a warm home for 4 children who need me so fully all the time.
At the same time, Andy is in rehearsal for a play – a much needed and much deserved project for him – and is extremely busy at work. He has been a tremendous support through my loss, but he needs support through his busy time, now.
The last few months have been a time where my self care needs have required a lot of retreating into myself. And, this internal retreat is the main reason for my lack of updates.
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