The Joy Diet: Truth

Menu Item #2 in the Joy Diet is Truth. The assignment is to tell ourselves the truth about our experience at least once a day - in the context of having found the place of stillness through the practice of Nothing. That sounds fancy, but it is simple. And, like so many simple things, it can be very hard.

When Beck talks about Truth, she is not talking about philosophical Truth. She is talking about the reality of our moments of experience: What am I feeling now; I want this; This makes me angry; This is what is happening to me in this moment. Her theory is that denying the reality of these truths disrupts our ability to experience joy.

The practice is to settle into meditation - or whatever form our practice of Nothing takes. Then, we are to ask ourselves "What hurts?" Once we have identified a source of pain (physical or emotional), we are to ask ourselves whether what hurts is a real thing or a story we are telling ourselves. If it is a story that we are telling ourselves, then we are urged to question the story and see if we can turn the story around and make one that serves to bring joy and peace rather than pain.

This week has been very challenging for me. I have resisted sitting for my 15 minutes of Nothing. When I have investigated why I have been resisting stilling my mind and body enough to see these truths, the reason has been obvious. I am afraid of what will come up. I have not been experiencing more joy this week. Rather, I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety. When I explore the anxiety, I discover it is another face of fear.

Three years ago, I was grieving for the family of four that I had always wanted. I had a wonderful son, but had been unable to give him the sibling that I had always envisioned. After a series of miscarriages and testing that failed to identify a cause, I was giving up. My husband and I had chosen to move to a new country. I was giving away or selling all the baby things that I had saved to use with a second child. I was cleansing myself of my previously envisioned world for a new start in a new place with a complete family of three. But, I never had a chance to finish that grieving process and start that new life. In the middle of the of the move, I got pregnant again - with triplets - and I was carrying the pregnancy successfully.

I have done a good job of dealing with the logistics of this new life, but I have not taken the time to process more than the most basic of emotional realities. And, in order to keep myself going, I have not let myself feel the inconvenient emotions and think the inconvenient thoughts any more than absolutely necessary. So, buried somewhere in my body are a series of thoughts that I have not allowed myself to be aware of - thoughts that are poisoning my existence. And, I am scared to open myself up and see what lies underneath. And yet, I believe that these blocked thoughts are preventing me from enjoying the moments of joy in my life fully.

Even as I write this, I find myself questioning how much I am willing to say in a public forum. I find myself writing and then deleting some of the specifics of my experience. I know that it would make my writing more powerful if I were to speak these truths, but it is too frightening to put the words out into public. But, the practices of this week mean that I have allowed myself to think and feel more of my own truth than I did last week - and that is a good thing.

It is time for me to dance. The greatest tool in my arsenal for getting to the truths that need to be released but are hard to speak is InterPlay. InterPlay is a body-wisdom practice that uses fun and incremental practices to connect us to the wisdom of our bodies through paying attention to our own embodied experiences. Sitting with Nothing and actively thinking about Truth is scary for me and brings up anxiety. Playing and Dancing with InterPlay is a way for me to touch the same truths that Martha Beck is talking about in a less anxiety-producing form. They both lead to the same place - a place that this week has shown me I need to get back to: the Here and Now of my reality.