On Going Home

They say you can never go home again. Sometimes, however, you can do something close.

Two years ago, Patrick and I spent most of the week with a single family. Patrick and I had very conveniently bonded deeply with a boy and his mother who lived extremely close to us. And, the rest of the families got along well, too. Our weekdays often started with a joint activity and sometimes involved lunch or an afternoon playdate as well. If Andy was traveling, the afternoons we spent together would often turn into dinner together.

Two weeks ago, as a March break special event, Patrick and I went back to our old neighbourhood in California while Andy stayed at home with Jocelyn, William and Michael. We stayed with the family of Patrick's best buddy. We are the sort of friends who can easily slip into being together after a long absence. It was almost like the past year had never happened, except for a few details: we were sleeping at their house; the boys are taller; the homework is harder; there were pictures and videos of three other children who look like Patrick floating around. But, for Patrick and me to spend a week based at their house with some separate activities seemed completely natural. Surprisingly often, there was no sense that most of our family was missing. It was a wonderful trip, but a slightly surreal experience.

This past week, we have been back in the reality of our now with our complete family. And, as so often happens after a vacation, the week in California already feels somewhat dream-like. And we are home again.

A Trio, Not Three of a Kind

It is hard to avoid a certain amount of batch processing with triplets, but some approaches seem more batch than necessary. For some things, a group makes sense. Mealtimes and bedtime, for instance. For others, a more individual approach strikes me as healthier.

Despite the unanimous agreement of people who claim to be experts that it is a bad idea, plenty of parents of multiples give their kids names that rhyme, start with the same letter, end with the same sound, or have some other "cute" relationship. Now, I have to confess that there is a relationship between the names of our trio, but I wouldn't call it a "cute" one; they are all family names. That said, they do come from two different families.

I have always been irritated, especially, by the folks who dress their multiples in matching clothes. From my perspective it focuses on their groupness and the random fact that they share a birthday rather than on the fact that they are three special little people. And, I think it is worse for identical multiples because they have a hard time establishing their uniqueness without matching clothes. And so, I have never before dressed my trio alike.

But, today, when I reached into the drawers to get clothes, I found a burgundy top and blue trousers on the top of all of Michael, William and Jocelyn's piles. Since I consciously dress them differently, I was curious to see what it would be like to put them all in these similar outfits. Michael was in denim overalls and a turtleneck, William in denim overalls and a henley, and Jocelyn was in a boyish long sleeve t-shirt and cargo sweatpants. Each of them were super cute. They didn't match exactly, but they were definitely a set. And, it irritated me all day. Sure, it was cute, but it seemed cute at the expense of my lovely children's unique personalities. When people look at my kids, I don't want them to see "Patrick and the Triplets", I want them to see Patrick the goofy, Jocelyn the imp, climbing Michael, and laughing William.

Michael, William and Jocelyn are sufficiently different in behaviour, mood, size, coloring, facial features, etc. that those of us who are with them every day were never in serious trouble with identifying them, but the neighbor girl who comes over once a week or so got the boys confused several times.

In the past, I had thought I could make allowances for people who wanted to have the cuteness factor in special pictures, but, after today, I have changed my mind on that. Special pictures tend to be seen by people who don't see you very often and these are the people who most need help in telling the kids apart. And public outings are worse; the kids are actually going to be there to hear if you don't get their names right.

And so, I don't think I'll be repeating this little experiment, but I'm quite glad I actually did it once.

Sleep

Parents of small children who don't sleep well tend to spend a lot of time obsessing about sleep. That would include me. Andy and I seem to have genes that combine to create children who walk early and sleep through the night late. Personally, if given a choice, I would vote for sleep through the night early and walk late, but the universe doesn't give us such choices.

In the early days of sleepless nights, the outside world is forgiving. "They have newborns at home, poor things. No wonder they look exhausted." It's even more so with triplets: "How do they get any sleep at all?" We actually did really well in the early days. We were given a gift of night time help, so we got to sleep through many of the mid-night feedings. Our nights were short and somewhat interrupted, but not completely broken. Then, the gift money ran out before the kids were sleeping through the night and we were on our own for nights. As sleep deprivation mounts, all sorts of things suffer and getting back to sleeping well becomes hugely important.

When infants are sharing a room and waking at night, there is always the question of "will they wake the others?" A certain amount of fussing while they figure out how to go back to sleep is sometimes good for one child, but it becomes a disaster when one baby wakes two babies, who then cry like mad about being woken up. It has taken us some time to find a balance that mostly works. And we are still working on the whole "sleep from bedtime until morning" thing.

On an excellent night, Michael, William and Jocelyn are asleep by 7:00 pm and Patrick is asleep by 7:30. Michael sleeps through until between 6:00 and 6:30 am. Patrick sleeps through until somewhere between 6:30 and 8:00. William and Jocelyn have each slept through until 6:00 or 6:30, but never on the same night. More often, one or both of them wakes and wants a drink of water between 3:30 and 4:30.

On a more typical night, we don't go in to see them any more often than on an excellent night, but Michael wakes and cries out 3-4 times before midnight and William wakes and cries out 3-4 times between midnight and the early morning water. After his early morning water, William often chatters to himself - or to Jocelyn if she will listen - for half an hour or more before going back to sleep.

Because of the concern about one baby waking the other two and the fact that sound doesn't travel well from the nursery to our bedroom, we have had the monitor on and are being woken by the cries that don't need help. It is time to turn the monitor off and trust that we will hear the important cries, and hope that the ones we miss don't turn into all-baby cry-fests. If that works, it will still take time for our bodies to sleep through the times when the babies used to cry.

Turning the monitor off felt like a big deal when Patrick was ready for it. It feels even more frightening now because of the possibility of mass meltdown if we don't wake soon enough. But it has to be tried. Wish us luck.