I have budding "musicians" in the house. Just the other day, we had our first real jam session. Jocelyn was over-blowing a recorder. Michael was strumming a badly tuned guitar. William had made a drum kit out of some kitchen utensils and metal garbage cans.
It took some time for a band style to develop because these musicians all have very different inspirations. Jocelyn was imitating her big brother, who likes to be as loud as possible and doesn't care much about rhythm or melody. Michael has learned to play from a folk guitarist who plays children's music at a playgroup they attend. William's technique comes primarily from watching a YouTube video of a drum cover of the Black Eyed Peas' "I Got a Feeling."
So, the jam session started with a recorder fanfare from Jocelyn, "Old MacDonald Has a Farm" from Michael with lyrics and strumming, and a drum riff and shouts of "Good Night. Good Night. Good Night," from William.
With a little coaching, I managed to get Jocelyn to blow a little more softly into the recorder. In the meantime, William had started listening to Michael. The intensity of his drumming didn't change, but, over time, he chose to match his brother's lyrics. And, we had a rocked-up, out-of-tune "Old MacDonald" filling the house.
I need to invest in some good earplugs. With this cacophony as the beginning of music education in my house, it is going to be a long road. But, if the end result is people who enjoy making music, it will be a road worth walking.
Monday, November 16, 2009
The Joy Diet: Laughter
This week of "The Joy Diet", Martha Beck instructs us to laugh at least 30 times a day.
I must confess that I haven't been counting my laughs. Although, I do think counting my laughs with a manual counter might increase my laughs. Instead, I have been focusing on finding the laughs that I have been missing.
As I mentioned last week, motherhood has brought my serious persona to the fore. And, three 2-year olds in the house is enough to make anybody crazy if they take it too seriously. I have been letting the chaos get to me.
2-year olds are silly beasts. They don't know enough to follow conventions, they do what comes into their heads without regard to what society views as right or normal. Some of what they do is dangerous and really needs to be shut down. Some of what they do is funny the first time, but sure to be annoying the 95th time, so a moderated response is required. But, a lot of what they do is just silly.
My life is busy and my list of "should do"s is long. Too often, when one or more of the kids is up to something that is just funny, I don't take the time to enjoy it because I am too worried about getting something done.
My challenge to myself this week has been to take the time to notice the silly things and enjoy them. And, most importantly, to let the laugh out - choosing the laughter over the impatience. I don't know if this is getting me to my 30 laughs a day, but I have noticed a few things.
I used to notice the absurd in everything. It is harder to do now that my responsibilites are greater, but it is more important than ever.
I must confess that I haven't been counting my laughs. Although, I do think counting my laughs with a manual counter might increase my laughs. Instead, I have been focusing on finding the laughs that I have been missing.
As I mentioned last week, motherhood has brought my serious persona to the fore. And, three 2-year olds in the house is enough to make anybody crazy if they take it too seriously. I have been letting the chaos get to me.
2-year olds are silly beasts. They don't know enough to follow conventions, they do what comes into their heads without regard to what society views as right or normal. Some of what they do is dangerous and really needs to be shut down. Some of what they do is funny the first time, but sure to be annoying the 95th time, so a moderated response is required. But, a lot of what they do is just silly.
My life is busy and my list of "should do"s is long. Too often, when one or more of the kids is up to something that is just funny, I don't take the time to enjoy it because I am too worried about getting something done.
My challenge to myself this week has been to take the time to notice the silly things and enjoy them. And, most importantly, to let the laugh out - choosing the laughter over the impatience. I don't know if this is getting me to my 30 laughs a day, but I have noticed a few things.
- I enjoy the kids more.
- The chores don't get done quite so quickly, but I don't mind them so much.
- I remember the silly things more than the "developmental milestones" or annoying things when I am reporting a few of the day's events to my husband, so I get to relive the silliness.
- It doesn't take more than a moment to let the laugh out.
- The kids seem to enjoy it when I laugh.
I used to notice the absurd in everything. It is harder to do now that my responsibilites are greater, but it is more important than ever.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
The Joy Diet: Play
Oh boy, this has been a rough week.
Play shouldn't be so tough for me. I am an InterPlay leader. I spent years dressing up in costume to attend Rennaisance Faires. I spent my college years playing Vampire Tag. I have a lot of experience with play beyond my childhood years. I have even taught a seminary class that included finger painting.
But, the truth is that play challenges me to my core. In one of his workshops, Phil Porter, one of the founders of InterPlay and one of my heroes, said that InterPlay often appeals to recovering serious people. And, in my case, it is absolutely true.
I follow the rules; I get things right; I do what I am supposed to do. InterPlay has forms, instructions for movement. One of the basic forms, which I learned right at the beginning of my first class is "Walk, Stop, Run." The basic form is very simple. You Walk around the space. Then, when you feel like it, you Stop. And then, if you are feeling brave, you Run around the space. Finally, you are invited to play with Walking, Stopping, and Running. And then, Serious People get nervous.
You see, what happens then is that experienced InterPlayers take the instruction to play and jump with it, spin with it, run with it, lie on the floor with it, pick up a playmate with it, lean on a friend with it, and do an awful lot of things that don't look or feel anything like walking, stopping, or running. Somewhere in the midst of what felt like chaos, I realized that the teacher wasn't enforcing the "Rules" and that following the rules wasn't making me happy. What made me happy was sometimes to lean against the wall and watch or skip or gallop or spin or make a train or hold hands or lie on the floor - not just to walk or stop or run. And, now, I am one of those experienced InterPlayers that make Serious People nervous.
But, I am a well-conditioned Serious Person, so my Serious Persona takes over under stress. Motherhood has thrown me for a massive loop on the play front. There is so much to do that has to be done for all these little people who cannot yet do for themselves. My serious self has reared it's ugly head with a vengeance and has been forcing my playful self into hiding. I have been operating from the delusion that just because parenting is important, it must be serious.
So, this week, I used an InterPlay trick of thinking about something, in this case my desire to be more playful with my parenting and householding responsibilities, and then throwing it up into the air with a "wheeee" and I just let it float around up there for the week to see what happened. It has helped me find more ease. Not enough, but a beginning.
Maybe this approach will help me with NaNoWriMo 2009. NaNoWriMo is a novel writing challenge: start a novel and write 50,000 words of it during November. Last year, I really thought it was a massive but doable challenge if I turned my inner editor off and let myself write drivel. I wrote more than my 50,000 words and it felt great. This year, because I know that I can write 50,000 words, I have set my self-expectations higher and this is causing a degree of writer's block. I need to give myself permission to write another 50,000 words of drivel.
All in all, the week has been a reminder of how much we need play in our lives. In my case, and maybe in yours, we need it most when we think we can least afford it.
Play shouldn't be so tough for me. I am an InterPlay leader. I spent years dressing up in costume to attend Rennaisance Faires. I spent my college years playing Vampire Tag. I have a lot of experience with play beyond my childhood years. I have even taught a seminary class that included finger painting.
But, the truth is that play challenges me to my core. In one of his workshops, Phil Porter, one of the founders of InterPlay and one of my heroes, said that InterPlay often appeals to recovering serious people. And, in my case, it is absolutely true.
I follow the rules; I get things right; I do what I am supposed to do. InterPlay has forms, instructions for movement. One of the basic forms, which I learned right at the beginning of my first class is "Walk, Stop, Run." The basic form is very simple. You Walk around the space. Then, when you feel like it, you Stop. And then, if you are feeling brave, you Run around the space. Finally, you are invited to play with Walking, Stopping, and Running. And then, Serious People get nervous.
You see, what happens then is that experienced InterPlayers take the instruction to play and jump with it, spin with it, run with it, lie on the floor with it, pick up a playmate with it, lean on a friend with it, and do an awful lot of things that don't look or feel anything like walking, stopping, or running. Somewhere in the midst of what felt like chaos, I realized that the teacher wasn't enforcing the "Rules" and that following the rules wasn't making me happy. What made me happy was sometimes to lean against the wall and watch or skip or gallop or spin or make a train or hold hands or lie on the floor - not just to walk or stop or run. And, now, I am one of those experienced InterPlayers that make Serious People nervous.
But, I am a well-conditioned Serious Person, so my Serious Persona takes over under stress. Motherhood has thrown me for a massive loop on the play front. There is so much to do that has to be done for all these little people who cannot yet do for themselves. My serious self has reared it's ugly head with a vengeance and has been forcing my playful self into hiding. I have been operating from the delusion that just because parenting is important, it must be serious.
So, this week, I used an InterPlay trick of thinking about something, in this case my desire to be more playful with my parenting and householding responsibilities, and then throwing it up into the air with a "wheeee" and I just let it float around up there for the week to see what happened. It has helped me find more ease. Not enough, but a beginning.
- I have been playing at looking like I have it together. I went shopping for new clothes and bought tailored clothes which make me feel less frumpy. And, I have been putting on make-up before taking the kids to pre-school. I like looking like I have it together even when I feel overwhelmed.
- I skipped ahead mentally in the book to the chapter on Laughter and started trying to increase the number of laughs I got out of each day - which often involved getting more laughs out of my children; their laughter is infectious. And yes, folks, skipping ahead is hard for rule-followers like myself, so it counts as play all by itself.
- The kids love spray bottles. My kitchen floor always needs a good wash. If I don't care that the walls, table and windows get washed too and that spots get missed, there is a silly way to get my kitchen floor mostly cleaned and my kids entertained at the same time staring me in the face.
Maybe this approach will help me with NaNoWriMo 2009. NaNoWriMo is a novel writing challenge: start a novel and write 50,000 words of it during November. Last year, I really thought it was a massive but doable challenge if I turned my inner editor off and let myself write drivel. I wrote more than my 50,000 words and it felt great. This year, because I know that I can write 50,000 words, I have set my self-expectations higher and this is causing a degree of writer's block. I need to give myself permission to write another 50,000 words of drivel.
All in all, the week has been a reminder of how much we need play in our lives. In my case, and maybe in yours, we need it most when we think we can least afford it.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The Joy Diet: Treats
This week's ingredient is to add at least 3 treats a day: one after your risk for the day and two just because. Martha Beck's definition of a treat is something that makes you feel like smiling. For me, this idea, lead me back to my InterPlay training.
In InterPlay, there is a concept called the Physicality of Grace. In English, there is not a good, common word for what we feel when we feel the opposite of stress. There are some that come close, but nothing that really captures it. In InterPlay, we use the Physicality of Grace to refer to how our bodies feel when we feel the opposite of stressed. Sometimes, it is easier to understand if you start by noticing how your body feels under stress. Then, when you think about the opposite of stress, you can feel how your body feels and call that feeling the physicality of grace. Once you notice the things that make you feel the physicality of grace, you can choose to increase them in your life. For me, this week, I tried to find treats that really gave me a full body experience of grace, not just made me feel like smiling.
My primary treat all week has been to use the super-minimalist version of the InterPlay seated warm-up every time I remember it - and to teach it to my kids because it is more fun in a group. Here are the instructions:
For a good summary of InterPlay, check out Grethen Wegner on InterPlay.
I have noticed things that make me smile and chosen them this week. The things that make us smile are unique. Nobody else will smile at exactly the same things I smile at. Our bodies are all different. Our brains are all different. We perceive and interact with the world differently. We all need to discover for ourselves what makes us smile.
For me, this week, the list of treats has included:
There is a richness to life when I choose these little treats. My overall life may be exactly the same, with the same frustrations and limitations, but the joy despite the frustrations makes it all seem less oppressive. I'll be choosing those treats more often.
How about you? How will you treat yourself?
In InterPlay, there is a concept called the Physicality of Grace. In English, there is not a good, common word for what we feel when we feel the opposite of stress. There are some that come close, but nothing that really captures it. In InterPlay, we use the Physicality of Grace to refer to how our bodies feel when we feel the opposite of stressed. Sometimes, it is easier to understand if you start by noticing how your body feels under stress. Then, when you think about the opposite of stress, you can feel how your body feels and call that feeling the physicality of grace. Once you notice the things that make you feel the physicality of grace, you can choose to increase them in your life. For me, this week, I tried to find treats that really gave me a full body experience of grace, not just made me feel like smiling.
My primary treat all week has been to use the super-minimalist version of the InterPlay seated warm-up every time I remember it - and to teach it to my kids because it is more fun in a group. Here are the instructions:
- Take a deep breath and let it out on a sigh. Repeat. Again. And once more if it would feel good.
- Shake out a hand.
- Shake out the other hand.
- Shake out a leg.
- Shake out the other leg.
- Shake out whatever you are sitting on. (Shake out your whole body if you are standing).
For a good summary of InterPlay, check out Grethen Wegner on InterPlay.
I have noticed things that make me smile and chosen them this week. The things that make us smile are unique. Nobody else will smile at exactly the same things I smile at. Our bodies are all different. Our brains are all different. We perceive and interact with the world differently. We all need to discover for ourselves what makes us smile.
For me, this week, the list of treats has included:
- driving through hills looking at the fall leaves.
- chai
- licorice tea
- wrestling with the kids
- reading about the history of Islamic achievements in art and science.
- fake hip-hop dancing in my living room
- the smell of freshly baked bread
- walking in the wind
- long baths with eucalyptus epsom salts
- white wine and sweet potato fries
- the warmth in my hand of a particular cup when the tea is still almost at boiling temperature.
- listening to music that I love but haven't heard for ages
There is a richness to life when I choose these little treats. My overall life may be exactly the same, with the same frustrations and limitations, but the joy despite the frustrations makes it all seem less oppressive. I'll be choosing those treats more often.
How about you? How will you treat yourself?
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Joy Diet: Risk
This week's daily task was to take a step towards our true desires that felt risky. This is the chapter I have been waiting for. I am chronically risk-averse and need nudging and support to keep taking the steps that feel risky to me. Martha Beck instructs us to take the smallest step that feels risky that moves us towards our desires. The hope is that these baby steps will stretch our comfort zones without overwhelming us. It is advice that resonates deeply with me; advice that I know in my mind and forget to practice in my body.
As I worked with Risk this week, I realized that I have difficulty asking for help and I have grandiose dreams that I fail to make progress towards because I don't break the process into small enough chunks. This "smallest step that feels risky" is really useful for me. Each time I think of a risk, I should be asking myself if there is something smaller that still feels risky that I should be doing instead. When I am unable to think of a smaller step that feels risky, the risk feels more manageable.
Some of my dreams seem so big that simply taking a concrete step towards them feels dangerous. I have been surprised at how risky it feels to get information to further a project I am passionate about. Simply moving forward at all is unnerving. It is as though the smallest step confirms that I have chosen to walk this scary path towards a dream that I will be devastated to see fail. And yet, being paralyzed by my fear has not made me feel good about my life - so maybe, just maybe, it is time to face the fear and act anyway.
Many of my desires this week have been very simple. I have been sick, so I have had many desires about resting to recover. As the stay-at-home mother of 4 small children, I have to work really hard to get rest for myself. This week, I desperately needed more sleep than I can get while continuing to maintain all of my chores and responsibilities at the house. My husband works incredibly hard at a stressful job and it feels like a huge imposition to ask him to take time off work to watch the kids when I need a sick day - even if he works from home during some of the time he is in charge. Nevertheless, this week, on the day I felt worst, I asked him to take some time off. Speaking up and sharing my need felt very vulnerable. At the same time, it felt strong to acknowledge that I really needed somebody to take care of me.
I have also taken some risks with some of my friends by being honest about some of the parenting challenges that I am facing right now - particularly one that makes me question my own abilities as a parent. By exposing myself, I opened the door to deeper intimacy and more honest conversation from both sides, thereby improving my friendships while getting the sense of perspective I desperately needed.
And, I have taken a few risks that involve working with the vague professional dreams I have to turn them into practical adventures. These are the truly scary things for me and the ones I need the most nudging to accomplish. I am hoping that a few small steps will turn into momentum.
I can tell from my experience this week that a daily practice of risk has the potential to take me down amazing paths. It is also clear that I will need the Treats, Laughter, Play, Connection, and Feasting of the rest of the book to support me through the Risks.
As I worked with Risk this week, I realized that I have difficulty asking for help and I have grandiose dreams that I fail to make progress towards because I don't break the process into small enough chunks. This "smallest step that feels risky" is really useful for me. Each time I think of a risk, I should be asking myself if there is something smaller that still feels risky that I should be doing instead. When I am unable to think of a smaller step that feels risky, the risk feels more manageable.
Some of my dreams seem so big that simply taking a concrete step towards them feels dangerous. I have been surprised at how risky it feels to get information to further a project I am passionate about. Simply moving forward at all is unnerving. It is as though the smallest step confirms that I have chosen to walk this scary path towards a dream that I will be devastated to see fail. And yet, being paralyzed by my fear has not made me feel good about my life - so maybe, just maybe, it is time to face the fear and act anyway.
Many of my desires this week have been very simple. I have been sick, so I have had many desires about resting to recover. As the stay-at-home mother of 4 small children, I have to work really hard to get rest for myself. This week, I desperately needed more sleep than I can get while continuing to maintain all of my chores and responsibilities at the house. My husband works incredibly hard at a stressful job and it feels like a huge imposition to ask him to take time off work to watch the kids when I need a sick day - even if he works from home during some of the time he is in charge. Nevertheless, this week, on the day I felt worst, I asked him to take some time off. Speaking up and sharing my need felt very vulnerable. At the same time, it felt strong to acknowledge that I really needed somebody to take care of me.
I have also taken some risks with some of my friends by being honest about some of the parenting challenges that I am facing right now - particularly one that makes me question my own abilities as a parent. By exposing myself, I opened the door to deeper intimacy and more honest conversation from both sides, thereby improving my friendships while getting the sense of perspective I desperately needed.
And, I have taken a few risks that involve working with the vague professional dreams I have to turn them into practical adventures. These are the truly scary things for me and the ones I need the most nudging to accomplish. I am hoping that a few small steps will turn into momentum.
I can tell from my experience this week that a daily practice of risk has the potential to take me down amazing paths. It is also clear that I will need the Treats, Laughter, Play, Connection, and Feasting of the rest of the book to support me through the Risks.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The Joy Diet: Creativity
The task this week: Every day, conceptualize and write down at least one new, concrete idea that will help you obtain something your heart desires.
This was my hardest week so far, simply because I wasn't committed to making the time for my "Nothing" practice and missed several days of that practice. Because I know that I can be deluded by surface desires if I don't get the meditative time in, I chose not to focus on deep desires on the days that I didn't meditate. Instead, I chose to act on a small desire: drinking a particular flavor of tea, dancing in the kitchen, playing with the kids when I "should" have been cleaning. I know from experience that honouring those small desires makes it easier to sit with the bigger ones, so I trusted that I was getting something out of the process, while realizing that I wasn't quite doing the assignment.
On the days that I did make time for doing Nothing, I did write down ideas about things I could do to obtain the most important desire of the day. Doing this, I realized a few things.
This was my hardest week so far, simply because I wasn't committed to making the time for my "Nothing" practice and missed several days of that practice. Because I know that I can be deluded by surface desires if I don't get the meditative time in, I chose not to focus on deep desires on the days that I didn't meditate. Instead, I chose to act on a small desire: drinking a particular flavor of tea, dancing in the kitchen, playing with the kids when I "should" have been cleaning. I know from experience that honouring those small desires makes it easier to sit with the bigger ones, so I trusted that I was getting something out of the process, while realizing that I wasn't quite doing the assignment.
On the days that I did make time for doing Nothing, I did write down ideas about things I could do to obtain the most important desire of the day. Doing this, I realized a few things.
- I know the sensible things to do to pursue most of my desires. My block is in actually taking action, not knowing what I should be doing.
- I tend to think very sensibly about tasks. Beck has some ideas of ways to get beyond the obvious and rational actions - and I should probably experiment with those more.
- I have made a lot of to do lists of things I could do to pursue my desires in the past, but I haven't always been sure they were my true heart desires.
- Don't rush to an action plan until you know where you want to go.
- Keep to the path. Next week is Risk, and I bet we'll be looking at some of the things that have stopped me taking action in the past. I certainly hope so. It would be good to move past this place of coming up with actions I could take and to push into taking them.
Friday, October 9, 2009
The Joy Diet: Desire
Menu Item 3 on the Joy Diet is Desire. And, by "desire", Martha Beck means what your heart really wants. Her theory is that if you honour your deepest desires, you will be on the path to an authentic, joyful life. In this chapter, she has some techniques for distinguishing the things you think you want from the things you truly desire. Part of the trick is asking yourself what you want after you have rested in nothing and then, being honest with yourself, asking "what do I want?" See how menu items 1 and 2 are still in the picture. The other part of the trick is some follow-up questions once you have reached that point.
I was not surprised to discover that I am not in touch with my deep desires at the moment. Most of my current desires have to do with finding time and space to really deepen my meditations and listen for the wisdom of my body about how to move forward into satisfying my own needs. However, I did have one real "aha" moment that I have no doubt will prove to be useful.
When I met Steve Jobs as a child, he was my hero. He had just started NeXT and gave me a t-shirt that he signed with the message "Let's go change the world." And, I always felt that was my goal, but I have never known what kind of change ws meaningful to me, so I never knew where best to put my efforts. At the same time, I have always wanted to be famous, but I never had a sense of what kind of fame for what kind of thing would really feel like I had made it. I had an insight that combined both of those impulses into a new one. I'm sure it is still a beginning image and that it will change as I listen for my desires, so I am not going to share it openly here. I have a history of committing to shallow desires and running headlong into worlds that were not what I would have chosen if I had sat still and listened more deeply before taking active steps. I want not to do that this time.
Next week, The Joy Diet starts the process of moving forward more actively by calling us towards using our creativity in service of our desires. So, I am trusting the process and chosing to slow things down and spend more time with the baby steps of discovery rather than leaping recklessly.
I was not surprised to discover that I am not in touch with my deep desires at the moment. Most of my current desires have to do with finding time and space to really deepen my meditations and listen for the wisdom of my body about how to move forward into satisfying my own needs. However, I did have one real "aha" moment that I have no doubt will prove to be useful.
When I met Steve Jobs as a child, he was my hero. He had just started NeXT and gave me a t-shirt that he signed with the message "Let's go change the world." And, I always felt that was my goal, but I have never known what kind of change ws meaningful to me, so I never knew where best to put my efforts. At the same time, I have always wanted to be famous, but I never had a sense of what kind of fame for what kind of thing would really feel like I had made it. I had an insight that combined both of those impulses into a new one. I'm sure it is still a beginning image and that it will change as I listen for my desires, so I am not going to share it openly here. I have a history of committing to shallow desires and running headlong into worlds that were not what I would have chosen if I had sat still and listened more deeply before taking active steps. I want not to do that this time.
Next week, The Joy Diet starts the process of moving forward more actively by calling us towards using our creativity in service of our desires. So, I am trusting the process and chosing to slow things down and spend more time with the baby steps of discovery rather than leaping recklessly.
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