I find celebrating my children's birthdays challenging. I want to find a way to make the day feel special, to make the child feel as though their friends have helped celebrate, and to feel good about the values I am revealing and the choices I am making.
Many of Patrick's friends have a party somewhere other than the family home. It seems to me that this trend is supported by parents for several reasons. First, a party at home is a lot of work and a party somewhere else eases some of the work. Second, once a child has been to several parties at fancy places, they start asking for them for themselves. I prefer home parties for several reasons, but the big one is that they are more personal.
A party at home means a lot of cleaning - both to prepare and to reset afterwards. A party at home means planning activities, choosing a menu, and managing some number of children other than your own. A party at home means having space for the guests to play and being willing to incur damage in that place.
A party at home can be cheaper or more expensive than a party at another location. Some party places provide full service (activities, food, cake, loot bags). The cheaper places provide activities, pizza and juice, and a party room while parents bring cake and loot bags. Many party places have a highly structured schedule of activities, which may or may not include much time for the guests to play with each other.
There is an ease to "event" parties in that some of the work is replaced by financial outlay. But, I decided that I would host Patrick's party at our house. I am reluctant to create the habit of "event" parties because they do not support my underlying goal that birthdays be an emotional event rather than a commercial event. Patrick had a party at a farm last year and so I wanted the party at home this year. Last year, the house was swamped with the tools to care for three infants and could not practically be turned into a celebration of Patrick for a day. This year, with three toddlers, it was easier to make the day about Patrick and to stay at home.
I chose to make things easier at home by ordering pizza as the main food, serving fruit that the grocery store had prepped, and by hiring a babysitter to take the little kids to the park while the big kids played at our house. I also said "yes" to every mother who offered to stay for the party and help out.
I want Patrick's friends to feel good about coming to the house, so I wanted not to fall down on any of the items kids expect at birthday parties: food, cake, activities, and the parentally-dreaded loot bags. But, I also wanted to maintain a sense of casual fun. Patrick has friends from many venues: 2 schools, the neighborhood, and family friends. Many of his friends do not know each other well as the only time they come together is at Patrick's party, but some of them are in school together and see each other often. So, one of my challenges to myself was to provide activities that make the children who do not know each other comfortable. I knew this would mean a mix of in-the-moment introductions and suggestions, individual and group activities, and a dose of shared laughter.
When I spoke to Patrick about his party, he asked to have a Superhero party. Patrick only knows a few Superheroes: Spiderman, Batman, Superman and the Hulk. These would become the basis of the party theme. Patrick had recently been to a Spiderman party that he really enjoyed and clearly wanted to have a similar party for himself. I didn't want him to compare the parties directly, so I made it clear that there were some things that we couldn't do, but I did incorporate a few of the things he liked best about the other party.
Patrick's invite list included a mix of boys and girls, so I really wanted to include some female superheros in the party theme. Most of the prepacked party supplies for superhero parties are male or hard to get, so this proved to be a challenge. I found stickers of The Incredibles, so I could put Elastigirl and Violet on the invitations and decorations. I found images of some of the female characters from The X-Men World to add to the decorations. Otherwise, I focused on the heroes Patrick knows. But, I really felt that some female images were important, even if they were subtle.
I planned a few formal games (Pin the Supervillain on Spidey's web, Hot Potato, and a version of musical chairs involving standing on Batman's logo). I had small prizes for the winner of pin the villain on the web, superhero stickers between every layer of the hot potato, and temporary tattoos for people as they were eliminated from the musical chairs games. I also made spiderweb paddles for batting balloons around the room.
We have several climbing structures in and out of the house and lots of toys, so anytime the kids were all playing well with the house toys, I just let them play. When it seemed that someone was feeling left out or getting bored, I brought out the next group game. To keep the casual nature of the event, anyone who wanted not to play the formal game was given explicit permission to play with what interested them.
As a craft, I bought some masks to decorate and capes for the kids to wear and take home. I put crayons, markers, superhero stickers and self-adhesive jewels out to use as decorations. The masks and capes were a big hit and the kids were thrilled that they could take them home. Several parents thought the mask and cape would have been a sufficient party favour, which I will remember when planning for future parties. But, Patrick thinks of giving out loot bags as part of having a party, so I had also made loot bags.
The loot bags were pencil cases with fun patterns rather than disposable plastic bags with licensed characters on them. The loot itself had been chosen by Patrick with my guidance. I refuse to give out candy as part of loot bags and like the items to be things I would feel okay about Patrick getting. This year the bags had stickers, pencils and activity books plus a little parachute toy.
My final thing about loot bags is that Patrick gives them out. I do not give them out. I help Patrick make sure that everybody gets one, but it is his job to give out the bags and personally say "thank you for coming to my party" to each of his guests. To me, this is the valuable part of loot bags. It gives Patrick a chance to learn about saying goodbye to his guests nicely, to take himself away from the playtime and see people to the door. And, he also learns something about how good it feels to give things away when people appreciate the bag.
The party planning was a lot of work. The games took time to decide on and to make. Shopping for the materials for the craft took some ingenuity given my tight schedule and the trouble involved in taking 3 toddlers and a soon to be 5 year-old shopping. Cleaning the house was a challenge since the main play spaces are dominated by toddler play and needed to be converted to places for Kindergarten-aged kids. The party schedule was a little funky - food was later than expected since it took longer to get the pizza than we had planned for.
But, the kids had fun. One of the moms who stayed to help did a tremendous job of pointing out some things I hadn't thought of and getting a few extra things taken care of. In the end, this year we all felt good about Patrick's party. And that is what really matters.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Life at Maximum Capacity
Over the years, I have gained a reputation of someone who does a lot with the time I have. And this may be true. Right now, however, I feel I am at my limit. And yet, when something else happens and needs to be dealt with, I find a way to make it happen.
I started this blog when life was relatively calm, and I had some minutes to devote to writing. Shortly afterwards, a few special events crept into the calendar and the writing slowed down to once a month. Since then, we have cut down on the amount of help I have taking care of the kids, I have started directing a play, summer vacation has meant more travel and more kids at home, and the little ones have become dangerous climbers instead of just maniacal runners. The end result is a level of running to keep in place that I don't think is maintainable.
Our basic schedule is full. Somewhere between 5:30 and 6:30 am, kids start waking. It takes until 8:00 or 8:30 to get everybody dressed and fed. About 8:45, Michael, William and Jocelyn need a nap. On weekdays, Andy leaves for work at about 8:45, sometimes taking Patrick to summer camp on his way. Sometime around 10:15, Michael, William and Jocelyn rouse from their naps, but not all at the same time. Those of us who are awake play inside until the rest are awake. About 11:30, Jocelyn, Michael and William have lunch. Sometime between 12:30 and 1:30, they show signs of needing a nap. They get up from their nap somewhere between 2:00 and 3:00. Between 3:30 and 4:00, the nanny arrives to help me out until after William, Jocelyn and Michael are in bed. At 4:00, I have to get Patrick if he is at camp. Dinner is at 4:45 and the dinner, bath, bedtime ritual for all 4 kids continues non-stop from 4:45pm until 7:30pm. After Patrick is in bed, Andy and I must have supper, do all business related to keeping the house running and prepare for tomorrow. Plus, Andy usually has work he needs to do in the evenings and I now have rehearsals several nights a week.
While the little ones are awake, they must be protected from themselves and each other. They are toddlers, so they all think all things are their individual property. They are good climbers without much common sense, so they try to walk off sofas and dive over furniture. They are preverbal, so communication with each other often consists of hitting, pulling and biting.
The kitchen floor must be swept (and usually mopped) after every meal. At least one load of laundry a day must be done - 2 is better. Toys could do with being picked up several times a day, but usually only get picked up in the evening. The cats are desperate for affection.
For the past two weeks, we have had a hot house. Our air conditioner failed and it turned out to be one of these problems that showed problems throughout the heating and cooling system. So, instead of just getting it fixed, we have been trying to decide how much of the system to replace and what to replace it with. I have been meeting with the salesmen and Andy has been doing the research on options and companies. When the salesmen have come to the house to make the pitch, they have all suggested that maybe we should have a meeting where Andy and I could both be at the meeting so that all of our questions could be answered at once. I have been polite and indicated that this would not be possible. I have not told them that given Andy's work schedule and my rehearsal schedule and the children's schedules, the only time that Andy and I are consistently in the same place and the same time is midnight to 5:30am. In fact, our paths cross more than that, but only just.
When something comes up, we deal with it, but something has to give a little.
Last week, I had to cancel a rehearsal for my play because the roof of the theatre building suffered damage in a storm. And then, this week, I got a call from the theatre manager telling me that my Wednesday night rehearsal this week could not be at the theatre because of a scheduling conflict. So, instead of preparing for rehearsal by reviewing my notes and planning what I was going to do with the actors, I prepared by clearing out my basement so we could use it as a rehearsal space.
Andy and I both need a vacation. But, it needs to be a vacation without the kids. Traveling with 4 small kids may be fun and good for them, but it is hard work for the parents. But, life with 4 active kids under 6 is sufficiently hard that nobody wants to take them off our hands for a few days. And so, tomorrow evening, we will get in the car after an early dinner and drive 5-6 hours to a house that we will spend the first morning child-proofing. It will be good to get away, but we will come back needing another vacation.
I started this blog when life was relatively calm, and I had some minutes to devote to writing. Shortly afterwards, a few special events crept into the calendar and the writing slowed down to once a month. Since then, we have cut down on the amount of help I have taking care of the kids, I have started directing a play, summer vacation has meant more travel and more kids at home, and the little ones have become dangerous climbers instead of just maniacal runners. The end result is a level of running to keep in place that I don't think is maintainable.
Our basic schedule is full. Somewhere between 5:30 and 6:30 am, kids start waking. It takes until 8:00 or 8:30 to get everybody dressed and fed. About 8:45, Michael, William and Jocelyn need a nap. On weekdays, Andy leaves for work at about 8:45, sometimes taking Patrick to summer camp on his way. Sometime around 10:15, Michael, William and Jocelyn rouse from their naps, but not all at the same time. Those of us who are awake play inside until the rest are awake. About 11:30, Jocelyn, Michael and William have lunch. Sometime between 12:30 and 1:30, they show signs of needing a nap. They get up from their nap somewhere between 2:00 and 3:00. Between 3:30 and 4:00, the nanny arrives to help me out until after William, Jocelyn and Michael are in bed. At 4:00, I have to get Patrick if he is at camp. Dinner is at 4:45 and the dinner, bath, bedtime ritual for all 4 kids continues non-stop from 4:45pm until 7:30pm. After Patrick is in bed, Andy and I must have supper, do all business related to keeping the house running and prepare for tomorrow. Plus, Andy usually has work he needs to do in the evenings and I now have rehearsals several nights a week.
While the little ones are awake, they must be protected from themselves and each other. They are toddlers, so they all think all things are their individual property. They are good climbers without much common sense, so they try to walk off sofas and dive over furniture. They are preverbal, so communication with each other often consists of hitting, pulling and biting.
The kitchen floor must be swept (and usually mopped) after every meal. At least one load of laundry a day must be done - 2 is better. Toys could do with being picked up several times a day, but usually only get picked up in the evening. The cats are desperate for affection.
For the past two weeks, we have had a hot house. Our air conditioner failed and it turned out to be one of these problems that showed problems throughout the heating and cooling system. So, instead of just getting it fixed, we have been trying to decide how much of the system to replace and what to replace it with. I have been meeting with the salesmen and Andy has been doing the research on options and companies. When the salesmen have come to the house to make the pitch, they have all suggested that maybe we should have a meeting where Andy and I could both be at the meeting so that all of our questions could be answered at once. I have been polite and indicated that this would not be possible. I have not told them that given Andy's work schedule and my rehearsal schedule and the children's schedules, the only time that Andy and I are consistently in the same place and the same time is midnight to 5:30am. In fact, our paths cross more than that, but only just.
When something comes up, we deal with it, but something has to give a little.
Last week, I had to cancel a rehearsal for my play because the roof of the theatre building suffered damage in a storm. And then, this week, I got a call from the theatre manager telling me that my Wednesday night rehearsal this week could not be at the theatre because of a scheduling conflict. So, instead of preparing for rehearsal by reviewing my notes and planning what I was going to do with the actors, I prepared by clearing out my basement so we could use it as a rehearsal space.
Andy and I both need a vacation. But, it needs to be a vacation without the kids. Traveling with 4 small kids may be fun and good for them, but it is hard work for the parents. But, life with 4 active kids under 6 is sufficiently hard that nobody wants to take them off our hands for a few days. And so, tomorrow evening, we will get in the car after an early dinner and drive 5-6 hours to a house that we will spend the first morning child-proofing. It will be good to get away, but we will come back needing another vacation.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Just the Good Bits
It is easy to be overwhelmed with the extra risks and challenges associated with a multiple pregnancy and raising multiples. On one of the parenting multiples bulletin boards I frequent, an expectant mother asked people to share only the good bits in one thread so that she had some happy things to think about when she felt overwhelmed. I thought it was a great idea to have such a thread so I added a quick post. The following is what I wrote.
Some of the Good Bits
All the cute things babies and toddlers do are just cuter when two or more do it at the same time: sleeping, cuddling, putting all the shoes in the laundry basket, wobbly running, dancing, chasing the cat (which is only cute as long as the cat gets away), wearing big brother's baseball caps, running around in just a diaper, giggling, splashing the bath water.
Right now, my favorite thing is watching them play peek-a-boo with each other round the furniture. And chasing each other around the hallway and falling into puddles of giggles. Actually, the puddles of giggles come in all sorts of places. They crack each other up and I love it. I don't always love some of the things they do that crack each other up, but the shared laughter is wonderful.
The moments where they mimic each other are precious. And so are the hugs where everybody gets involved.
Just sitting on the living room floor as they each play with something different is amazing. And some days it lasts for a while. Watching three toddlers learning to dance and seeing who responds to which music. In fact, any time they play together happily is a marvelous time if I recognize it. Three toddlers tearing up and down the couch. Watching them all crawl up the stairs together. And, seeing one of them learn something from watching another.
If you can manage to keep your sense of humour, the attempts of one to help change another's diaper are pretty hysterical.
An image from this morning of three faces plastered to the patio window as Daddy mowed the lawn. They don't put anything on tv that's anything like so much fun to watch.
Sometimes, you meet really nice people who just say nice things to you or do nice things for you because they see you with multiples. But, my favorite times are when things are just going smoothly and my 4 beautiful children are playing well together and enjoying life. The moments don't always last, but the older they get, the more they seem to happen.
Some of the Good Bits
All the cute things babies and toddlers do are just cuter when two or more do it at the same time: sleeping, cuddling, putting all the shoes in the laundry basket, wobbly running, dancing, chasing the cat (which is only cute as long as the cat gets away), wearing big brother's baseball caps, running around in just a diaper, giggling, splashing the bath water.
Right now, my favorite thing is watching them play peek-a-boo with each other round the furniture. And chasing each other around the hallway and falling into puddles of giggles. Actually, the puddles of giggles come in all sorts of places. They crack each other up and I love it. I don't always love some of the things they do that crack each other up, but the shared laughter is wonderful.
The moments where they mimic each other are precious. And so are the hugs where everybody gets involved.
Just sitting on the living room floor as they each play with something different is amazing. And some days it lasts for a while. Watching three toddlers learning to dance and seeing who responds to which music. In fact, any time they play together happily is a marvelous time if I recognize it. Three toddlers tearing up and down the couch. Watching them all crawl up the stairs together. And, seeing one of them learn something from watching another.
If you can manage to keep your sense of humour, the attempts of one to help change another's diaper are pretty hysterical.
An image from this morning of three faces plastered to the patio window as Daddy mowed the lawn. They don't put anything on tv that's anything like so much fun to watch.
Sometimes, you meet really nice people who just say nice things to you or do nice things for you because they see you with multiples. But, my favorite times are when things are just going smoothly and my 4 beautiful children are playing well together and enjoying life. The moments don't always last, but the older they get, the more they seem to happen.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Feeding the Family in an Over-Developed Nation
Food.
Some days, I feel as though I think of nothing but food. There are so many options and so many questions. We have the money to buy a wide variety of food and a huge selection at our local grocery stores, farmer's markets, etc. I do not spend all day thinking about how we will afford the basic calories we need to survive. I spend all day thinking about how to exercise our options.
What to feed everybody? What ingredients do I need in the house? When can I get grocery shopping or can I get Andy to do it for me? When do I need to start cooking? Is it already too late to start dinner in the slow cooker? Is this a reasonable nutritional mix? How can we afford to feed the whole family the wholesome, tasty food we got used to before we had kids? Will the kids eat the food I prepare for them, and if not, what will I do with the leftovers? How can one-year-olds eat so much and a four-year-old eat so little? How little time can I spend in the kitchen today?
It might be easier if I weren't such an avid reader. I add all sorts of questions to my list by reading up on nutrition, environmentalism, and food politics. Which foods should we really be eating organic? How can we eat locally grown food in a region where the growing season is short? Should I really take up canning and preserving to eat locally? Should we be eating less meat? Are the foods I'm serving really full of nutrients or do we need supplements to make up for the lack of nutrients in the farmer's soil? Can I do anything about reducing my family's exposure to genetically modified foods? Which fish are sustainably fished, low in mercury, and high in omega-3s? It's enough to get my head spinning.
Have you noticed that the most important questions from a quality of life perspective are missing? Shouldn't I be asking these questions instead:
What foods do we all like to eat?
When can we all eat together as a family?
How should we organize things so that we slow down and enjoy our meals together?
Even the quality of life questions don't have easy answers. 6 people have 6 different tastes and food moods. There are food sensitivities to consider. Andy gets home from work at varying times, usually after some of the kids are in bed. Do I eat with him or the kids? Patrick takes 10-15 minutes to eat and then gets bored. The younger ones often take 30-45 minutes to eat a meal. Some of Patrick's favorite foods are foods that the little ones aren't supposed to have for another year.
If money were tighter or options fewer, just eating enough calories would feel like success. But with a little more resource and too much information, it is easy for food to become a constant problem that needs to be solved rather than an enjoyable part of the day. The challenge is to find an acceptable balance. These days, I feel off balance. Worrying too much and enjoying too little. And, if I'm not careful, I 'll add worrying about that to the head-spinning.
I think I'd better just go play with the kids.
Some days, I feel as though I think of nothing but food. There are so many options and so many questions. We have the money to buy a wide variety of food and a huge selection at our local grocery stores, farmer's markets, etc. I do not spend all day thinking about how we will afford the basic calories we need to survive. I spend all day thinking about how to exercise our options.
What to feed everybody? What ingredients do I need in the house? When can I get grocery shopping or can I get Andy to do it for me? When do I need to start cooking? Is it already too late to start dinner in the slow cooker? Is this a reasonable nutritional mix? How can we afford to feed the whole family the wholesome, tasty food we got used to before we had kids? Will the kids eat the food I prepare for them, and if not, what will I do with the leftovers? How can one-year-olds eat so much and a four-year-old eat so little? How little time can I spend in the kitchen today?
It might be easier if I weren't such an avid reader. I add all sorts of questions to my list by reading up on nutrition, environmentalism, and food politics. Which foods should we really be eating organic? How can we eat locally grown food in a region where the growing season is short? Should I really take up canning and preserving to eat locally? Should we be eating less meat? Are the foods I'm serving really full of nutrients or do we need supplements to make up for the lack of nutrients in the farmer's soil? Can I do anything about reducing my family's exposure to genetically modified foods? Which fish are sustainably fished, low in mercury, and high in omega-3s? It's enough to get my head spinning.
Have you noticed that the most important questions from a quality of life perspective are missing? Shouldn't I be asking these questions instead:
What foods do we all like to eat?
When can we all eat together as a family?
How should we organize things so that we slow down and enjoy our meals together?
Even the quality of life questions don't have easy answers. 6 people have 6 different tastes and food moods. There are food sensitivities to consider. Andy gets home from work at varying times, usually after some of the kids are in bed. Do I eat with him or the kids? Patrick takes 10-15 minutes to eat and then gets bored. The younger ones often take 30-45 minutes to eat a meal. Some of Patrick's favorite foods are foods that the little ones aren't supposed to have for another year.
If money were tighter or options fewer, just eating enough calories would feel like success. But with a little more resource and too much information, it is easy for food to become a constant problem that needs to be solved rather than an enjoyable part of the day. The challenge is to find an acceptable balance. These days, I feel off balance. Worrying too much and enjoying too little. And, if I'm not careful, I 'll add worrying about that to the head-spinning.
I think I'd better just go play with the kids.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Matters of Perspective
A houseful of sick children isn't any fun at all, but I have had a few interesting moments of awareness over the past weekend. The whole family has been fighting a nasty virus and William, Jocelyn and Michael have all had ear infections. Jocelyn, in particular, has been quite sick and has needed to be in arms for most of the weekend.
On weekends, there is a paediatric walk-in clinic very close to us and, on Saturday, I took Michael and Jocelyn to see the doctor there. The building is small and the office is up a ramp and down two steps, so it is not a good place to take a stroller. However, on my own with two sick toddlers, I insist on taking our double stroller. I was taking up most of the space in the centre of the waiting room when I heard some conversation in the hall that sounded like three kids being introduced. I was curious and poked my head out into the hall, where I found a couple with three 10-month-old boys. Thrilled to meet another family with triplets, I pulled the stroller into the hallway, where we were even more in the way and chatted with the other family until the doctor was ready to see us. Two of the boys were waiting to see the doctor. They have no other siblings, and their parents had come together with all three boys because it was the easiest option for them. It did seem easier for the two of them to handle their three boys than it was for me to handle two on my own, as they always had one adult who was only holding one baby. That said, it was easier for me to handle two children and the stroller than it would have been for Andy and me to handle 4 children, with or without the stroller.
As we came close to the top of the waiting list, I moved into the waiting room to be sure I heard when we were called. While I was standing there, one of the mums close by said something about my "twins" and I mentioned that they were two of a set of triplets. One mum close by made a comment about how challenging it must be and the mum sitting next to her commented that every child is a blessing. The second mum then went on to talk about her trials with infertility and stated that the child who was next to her is enough blessing if she never has another successful round of infertility treatment again. I don't know whether she was assuming that the triplets were the result of infertility treatments or she was using her experience to explain why she thought that any child is a blessing, even if it is hard work to have triplets. In either case, she is right that each of my children is a blessing.
One of the special things about this weekend was that, because of the special treatment everybody needed depending on how sick they were, I have been caring for unusual combinations of children at one time. I took Jocelyn and Michael to the doctor. I played with Patrick and William for quite a while today while Jocelyn was with Andy and Michael was having an extra nap. I played with William and Michael while Patrick watched a movie and Jocelyn was with Andy. I held Jocelyn while the others were with Andy.
I was particularly struck by the unique combinations at bedtime tonight. Andy was taking care of Jocelyn and I gave Patrick, William and Michael their bath together. The regular bedtime process starts with getting upstairs. Michael and Patrick can climb stairs well, though Michael sometimes slips if he gets distracted. William is only starting to get the hang of stairs. Patrick ran up the stairs and served as inspiration for Michael, who climbed quickly after his biggest brother. William was slower, but making progress, so I nudged him and assisted him in order to remain close enough to Michael to catch him if needed. All three got to the top of the stairs mostly on their own initiative. It was nice to be able to let William climb up and not have to carry him, which I would have done if Jocelyn had been waiting for me to get back downstairs.
At the top of the stairs, Michael made a beeline into my bedroom, which is not childproofed. Patrick ran in after him and held him away from dangerous things until I could come in and take Michael back into the hallway. Then, Patrick and I sped in front of William and Michael and closed all the doors off the upstairs hallway except the bathroom door. Michael and William wanted to explore the bathroom, so soon we were all in the bathroom with the door closed. The bath was short and sweet for Michael and William. Patrick stayed for a longer bath and I took the other two into the hallway, shutting the bathroom door behind us. The hallway is well secured, so it was easy for me to help Michael and William into pajamas while they played. A quick trip downstairs to make the night time bottles and the two younger boys were ready for bed. It seemed incredibly easy compared to getting the three youngest bathed together. For one thing, I had enough arms to pick up all the children I couldn't reason with. For another, Patrick was able to help. He helped keep Michael safe in the bedroom, and he helped keep William safe in the bathtub while I dried Michael off enough to let him roam the bathroom on his own. There was never a moment of panic that I didn't have enough arms to handle the situation.
For most of the past year, we have mostly either done things as a complete family or split up with Patrick with one adult and the three little ones with the other. This weekend, however, we have been forced to make different divisions and I have seen advantages to all of them. Hopefully, I will use this as a springboard for devising more activities that do not always split the family up by age. It is good for us all to experience all the combinations that our big family provides, and it is easier not to have one adult responsible for three toddlers. It is unfortunate that it took a weekend of sickness to make us break our habits, but sometimes it is only forced adjustments to our routines that allow us to see other ways that the world might be.
On weekends, there is a paediatric walk-in clinic very close to us and, on Saturday, I took Michael and Jocelyn to see the doctor there. The building is small and the office is up a ramp and down two steps, so it is not a good place to take a stroller. However, on my own with two sick toddlers, I insist on taking our double stroller. I was taking up most of the space in the centre of the waiting room when I heard some conversation in the hall that sounded like three kids being introduced. I was curious and poked my head out into the hall, where I found a couple with three 10-month-old boys. Thrilled to meet another family with triplets, I pulled the stroller into the hallway, where we were even more in the way and chatted with the other family until the doctor was ready to see us. Two of the boys were waiting to see the doctor. They have no other siblings, and their parents had come together with all three boys because it was the easiest option for them. It did seem easier for the two of them to handle their three boys than it was for me to handle two on my own, as they always had one adult who was only holding one baby. That said, it was easier for me to handle two children and the stroller than it would have been for Andy and me to handle 4 children, with or without the stroller.
As we came close to the top of the waiting list, I moved into the waiting room to be sure I heard when we were called. While I was standing there, one of the mums close by said something about my "twins" and I mentioned that they were two of a set of triplets. One mum close by made a comment about how challenging it must be and the mum sitting next to her commented that every child is a blessing. The second mum then went on to talk about her trials with infertility and stated that the child who was next to her is enough blessing if she never has another successful round of infertility treatment again. I don't know whether she was assuming that the triplets were the result of infertility treatments or she was using her experience to explain why she thought that any child is a blessing, even if it is hard work to have triplets. In either case, she is right that each of my children is a blessing.
One of the special things about this weekend was that, because of the special treatment everybody needed depending on how sick they were, I have been caring for unusual combinations of children at one time. I took Jocelyn and Michael to the doctor. I played with Patrick and William for quite a while today while Jocelyn was with Andy and Michael was having an extra nap. I played with William and Michael while Patrick watched a movie and Jocelyn was with Andy. I held Jocelyn while the others were with Andy.
I was particularly struck by the unique combinations at bedtime tonight. Andy was taking care of Jocelyn and I gave Patrick, William and Michael their bath together. The regular bedtime process starts with getting upstairs. Michael and Patrick can climb stairs well, though Michael sometimes slips if he gets distracted. William is only starting to get the hang of stairs. Patrick ran up the stairs and served as inspiration for Michael, who climbed quickly after his biggest brother. William was slower, but making progress, so I nudged him and assisted him in order to remain close enough to Michael to catch him if needed. All three got to the top of the stairs mostly on their own initiative. It was nice to be able to let William climb up and not have to carry him, which I would have done if Jocelyn had been waiting for me to get back downstairs.
At the top of the stairs, Michael made a beeline into my bedroom, which is not childproofed. Patrick ran in after him and held him away from dangerous things until I could come in and take Michael back into the hallway. Then, Patrick and I sped in front of William and Michael and closed all the doors off the upstairs hallway except the bathroom door. Michael and William wanted to explore the bathroom, so soon we were all in the bathroom with the door closed. The bath was short and sweet for Michael and William. Patrick stayed for a longer bath and I took the other two into the hallway, shutting the bathroom door behind us. The hallway is well secured, so it was easy for me to help Michael and William into pajamas while they played. A quick trip downstairs to make the night time bottles and the two younger boys were ready for bed. It seemed incredibly easy compared to getting the three youngest bathed together. For one thing, I had enough arms to pick up all the children I couldn't reason with. For another, Patrick was able to help. He helped keep Michael safe in the bedroom, and he helped keep William safe in the bathtub while I dried Michael off enough to let him roam the bathroom on his own. There was never a moment of panic that I didn't have enough arms to handle the situation.
For most of the past year, we have mostly either done things as a complete family or split up with Patrick with one adult and the three little ones with the other. This weekend, however, we have been forced to make different divisions and I have seen advantages to all of them. Hopefully, I will use this as a springboard for devising more activities that do not always split the family up by age. It is good for us all to experience all the combinations that our big family provides, and it is easier not to have one adult responsible for three toddlers. It is unfortunate that it took a weekend of sickness to make us break our habits, but sometimes it is only forced adjustments to our routines that allow us to see other ways that the world might be.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
On Going Home
They say you can never go home again. Sometimes, however, you can do something close.
Two years ago, Patrick and I spent most of the week with a single family. Patrick and I had very conveniently bonded deeply with a boy and his mother who lived extremely close to us. And, the rest of the families got along well, too. Our weekdays often started with a joint activity and sometimes involved lunch or an afternoon playdate as well. If Andy was traveling, the afternoons we spent together would often turn into dinner together.
Two weeks ago, as a March break special event, Patrick and I went back to our old neighbourhood in California while Andy stayed at home with Jocelyn, William and Michael. We stayed with the family of Patrick's best buddy. We are the sort of friends who can easily slip into being together after a long absence. It was almost like the past year had never happened, except for a few details: we were sleeping at their house; the boys are taller; the homework is harder; there were pictures and videos of three other children who look like Patrick floating around. But, for Patrick and me to spend a week based at their house with some separate activities seemed completely natural. Surprisingly often, there was no sense that most of our family was missing. It was a wonderful trip, but a slightly surreal experience.
This past week, we have been back in the reality of our now with our complete family. And, as so often happens after a vacation, the week in California already feels somewhat dream-like. And we are home again.
Two years ago, Patrick and I spent most of the week with a single family. Patrick and I had very conveniently bonded deeply with a boy and his mother who lived extremely close to us. And, the rest of the families got along well, too. Our weekdays often started with a joint activity and sometimes involved lunch or an afternoon playdate as well. If Andy was traveling, the afternoons we spent together would often turn into dinner together.
Two weeks ago, as a March break special event, Patrick and I went back to our old neighbourhood in California while Andy stayed at home with Jocelyn, William and Michael. We stayed with the family of Patrick's best buddy. We are the sort of friends who can easily slip into being together after a long absence. It was almost like the past year had never happened, except for a few details: we were sleeping at their house; the boys are taller; the homework is harder; there were pictures and videos of three other children who look like Patrick floating around. But, for Patrick and me to spend a week based at their house with some separate activities seemed completely natural. Surprisingly often, there was no sense that most of our family was missing. It was a wonderful trip, but a slightly surreal experience.
This past week, we have been back in the reality of our now with our complete family. And, as so often happens after a vacation, the week in California already feels somewhat dream-like. And we are home again.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
A Trio, Not Three of a Kind
It is hard to avoid a certain amount of batch processing with triplets, but some approaches seem more batch than necessary. For some things, a group makes sense. Mealtimes and bedtime, for instance. For others, a more individual approach strikes me as healthier.
Despite the unanimous agreement of people who claim to be experts that it is a bad idea, plenty of parents of multiples give their kids names that rhyme, start with the same letter, end with the same sound, or have some other "cute" relationship. Now, I have to confess that there is a relationship between the names of our trio, but I wouldn't call it a "cute" one; they are all family names. That said, they do come from two different families.
I have always been irritated, especially, by the folks who dress their multiples in matching clothes. From my perspective it focuses on their groupness and the random fact that they share a birthday rather than on the fact that they are three special little people. And, I think it is worse for identical multiples because they have a hard time establishing their uniqueness without matching clothes. And so, I have never before dressed my trio alike.
But, today, when I reached into the drawers to get clothes, I found a burgundy top and blue trousers on the top of all of Michael, William and Jocelyn's piles. Since I consciously dress them differently, I was curious to see what it would be like to put them all in these similar outfits. Michael was in denim overalls and a turtleneck, William in denim overalls and a henley, and Jocelyn was in a boyish long sleeve t-shirt and cargo sweatpants. Each of them were super cute. They didn't match exactly, but they were definitely a set. And, it irritated me all day. Sure, it was cute, but it seemed cute at the expense of my lovely children's unique personalities. When people look at my kids, I don't want them to see "Patrick and the Triplets", I want them to see Patrick the goofy, Jocelyn the imp, climbing Michael, and laughing William.
Michael, William and Jocelyn are sufficiently different in behaviour, mood, size, coloring, facial features, etc. that those of us who are with them every day were never in serious trouble with identifying them, but the neighbor girl who comes over once a week or so got the boys confused several times.
In the past, I had thought I could make allowances for people who wanted to have the cuteness factor in special pictures, but, after today, I have changed my mind on that. Special pictures tend to be seen by people who don't see you very often and these are the people who most need help in telling the kids apart. And public outings are worse; the kids are actually going to be there to hear if you don't get their names right.
And so, I don't think I'll be repeating this little experiment, but I'm quite glad I actually did it once.
Despite the unanimous agreement of people who claim to be experts that it is a bad idea, plenty of parents of multiples give their kids names that rhyme, start with the same letter, end with the same sound, or have some other "cute" relationship. Now, I have to confess that there is a relationship between the names of our trio, but I wouldn't call it a "cute" one; they are all family names. That said, they do come from two different families.
I have always been irritated, especially, by the folks who dress their multiples in matching clothes. From my perspective it focuses on their groupness and the random fact that they share a birthday rather than on the fact that they are three special little people. And, I think it is worse for identical multiples because they have a hard time establishing their uniqueness without matching clothes. And so, I have never before dressed my trio alike.
But, today, when I reached into the drawers to get clothes, I found a burgundy top and blue trousers on the top of all of Michael, William and Jocelyn's piles. Since I consciously dress them differently, I was curious to see what it would be like to put them all in these similar outfits. Michael was in denim overalls and a turtleneck, William in denim overalls and a henley, and Jocelyn was in a boyish long sleeve t-shirt and cargo sweatpants. Each of them were super cute. They didn't match exactly, but they were definitely a set. And, it irritated me all day. Sure, it was cute, but it seemed cute at the expense of my lovely children's unique personalities. When people look at my kids, I don't want them to see "Patrick and the Triplets", I want them to see Patrick the goofy, Jocelyn the imp, climbing Michael, and laughing William.
Michael, William and Jocelyn are sufficiently different in behaviour, mood, size, coloring, facial features, etc. that those of us who are with them every day were never in serious trouble with identifying them, but the neighbor girl who comes over once a week or so got the boys confused several times.
In the past, I had thought I could make allowances for people who wanted to have the cuteness factor in special pictures, but, after today, I have changed my mind on that. Special pictures tend to be seen by people who don't see you very often and these are the people who most need help in telling the kids apart. And public outings are worse; the kids are actually going to be there to hear if you don't get their names right.
And so, I don't think I'll be repeating this little experiment, but I'm quite glad I actually did it once.
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