Menu Item 3 on the Joy Diet is Desire. And, by "desire", Martha Beck means what your heart really wants. Her theory is that if you honour your deepest desires, you will be on the path to an authentic, joyful life. In this chapter, she has some techniques for distinguishing the things you think you want from the things you truly desire. Part of the trick is asking yourself what you want after you have rested in nothing and then, being honest with yourself, asking "what do I want?" See how menu items 1 and 2 are still in the picture. The other part of the trick is some follow-up questions once you have reached that point.
I was not surprised to discover that I am not in touch with my deep desires at the moment. Most of my current desires have to do with finding time and space to really deepen my meditations and listen for the wisdom of my body about how to move forward into satisfying my own needs. However, I did have one real "aha" moment that I have no doubt will prove to be useful.
When I met Steve Jobs as a child, he was my hero. He had just started NeXT and gave me a t-shirt that he signed with the message "Let's go change the world." And, I always felt that was my goal, but I have never known what kind of change ws meaningful to me, so I never knew where best to put my efforts. At the same time, I have always wanted to be famous, but I never had a sense of what kind of fame for what kind of thing would really feel like I had made it. I had an insight that combined both of those impulses into a new one. I'm sure it is still a beginning image and that it will change as I listen for my desires, so I am not going to share it openly here. I have a history of committing to shallow desires and running headlong into worlds that were not what I would have chosen if I had sat still and listened more deeply before taking active steps. I want not to do that this time.
Next week, The Joy Diet starts the process of moving forward more actively by calling us towards using our creativity in service of our desires. So, I am trusting the process and chosing to slow things down and spend more time with the baby steps of discovery rather than leaping recklessly.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Thanksgiving
3 years after moving north from the United States, I still haven't got the Canadian Thanksgiving holiday into my system.
When I was 17, I travelled in Europe with a friend of mine. While we were staying in England, she commented that she had expected to experience culture shock in France and Italy, but hadn't expected England to be so different. I feel similarly about Thanksgiving in Canada. It is similar enough to Thanksgiving in the US that I expect it to feel similar and different enough that it throws me for a loop every year.
The obvious difference between the two holidays is the date. By celebrating Thanksgiving in early October, the whole schedule changes. In the US, I was usually caught off-guard by Halloween -- which I thought of as the warning that I should prepare for Thanksgiving and Christmas. With Thanksgiving before Halloween, there is no early warning system. Thanksgiving arrives with a jolt before the new school year schedules have solidified into habitual routines.
But, there are subtler differences that disconcert me more than the simple date change. The whole holiday feels different. The weather is different, warmer. The days are shorter. It just seems to be the wrong season for Thanksgiving. I had a similar sensation during my first few years in California. The days were too warm in November for my body to believe it was really Thanksgiving. Now, I am back in the climate where I first grew to know Thanksgiving as a holiday, but the days still feel too warm because it is October instead of November. And, the extra daylight is also confusing.
In addition, Thanksgiving is a smaller holiday in Canada. It is a one-day holiday instead of a two-day holiday -- and a different day of the week to boot. In the US, Thanksgiving is the one truly national holiday. Everybody celebrates it. Because it is a 4-day weekend, people are willing to travel longer distances than they would for a 3-day weekend. Everybody celebrates on Thursday -- whether they feast in the afternoon or evening. Because Thanksgiving in Canada is a Monday and people work on the Tuesday, evening feast meals are often held over the preceding weekend rather than on the day itself - so not everybody feasts on the same day.
There is not the deluge of advertising around the holiday. Partially, this is because Canadian holidays do not have the retail focus of American holidays. But, this is also affected by the date of the celebration. By the end of November, Christmas is looming. In October, there is still Halloween to come. Shopping is not yet focused on the end of year spree.
Put all those things together and the harvest festivals with the same name in the two countries feel completely different in my body. I expect that it will take a few years for me to become comfortable with this new Canadian festival. I may even come to prefer it. But, for right now, it is still unsettling.
This year, however, I am hugely thankful that we will be celebrating with extended family. My parents are taking advantage of the American Columbus Day holiday to visit us and celebrate Thanksgiving, Canadian-style.
When I was 17, I travelled in Europe with a friend of mine. While we were staying in England, she commented that she had expected to experience culture shock in France and Italy, but hadn't expected England to be so different. I feel similarly about Thanksgiving in Canada. It is similar enough to Thanksgiving in the US that I expect it to feel similar and different enough that it throws me for a loop every year.
The obvious difference between the two holidays is the date. By celebrating Thanksgiving in early October, the whole schedule changes. In the US, I was usually caught off-guard by Halloween -- which I thought of as the warning that I should prepare for Thanksgiving and Christmas. With Thanksgiving before Halloween, there is no early warning system. Thanksgiving arrives with a jolt before the new school year schedules have solidified into habitual routines.
But, there are subtler differences that disconcert me more than the simple date change. The whole holiday feels different. The weather is different, warmer. The days are shorter. It just seems to be the wrong season for Thanksgiving. I had a similar sensation during my first few years in California. The days were too warm in November for my body to believe it was really Thanksgiving. Now, I am back in the climate where I first grew to know Thanksgiving as a holiday, but the days still feel too warm because it is October instead of November. And, the extra daylight is also confusing.
In addition, Thanksgiving is a smaller holiday in Canada. It is a one-day holiday instead of a two-day holiday -- and a different day of the week to boot. In the US, Thanksgiving is the one truly national holiday. Everybody celebrates it. Because it is a 4-day weekend, people are willing to travel longer distances than they would for a 3-day weekend. Everybody celebrates on Thursday -- whether they feast in the afternoon or evening. Because Thanksgiving in Canada is a Monday and people work on the Tuesday, evening feast meals are often held over the preceding weekend rather than on the day itself - so not everybody feasts on the same day.
There is not the deluge of advertising around the holiday. Partially, this is because Canadian holidays do not have the retail focus of American holidays. But, this is also affected by the date of the celebration. By the end of November, Christmas is looming. In October, there is still Halloween to come. Shopping is not yet focused on the end of year spree.
Put all those things together and the harvest festivals with the same name in the two countries feel completely different in my body. I expect that it will take a few years for me to become comfortable with this new Canadian festival. I may even come to prefer it. But, for right now, it is still unsettling.
This year, however, I am hugely thankful that we will be celebrating with extended family. My parents are taking advantage of the American Columbus Day holiday to visit us and celebrate Thanksgiving, Canadian-style.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Street Hockey Beginnings
We live in hockey country.
Three of the kids on our block play very serious competitive hockey. Spring and fall find games of hockey in the street. Although the main players are the kids who live on the street, there are often fathers who join in.
Andy and I are not particularly sports-minded. Our hobbies are creative and artistic. Our physical exercise tends to be solitary activities (biking, mountain climbing, yoga, working out at the gym, dancing) rather than competitive team sports. We haven't enrolled Patrick in many sports activities as he finds them challenging and we have been unable to find teams where he would be rewarded for trying hard. We are being dragged into sports by our two youngest boys. William in particular has natural athletic ability, and picks things up just by watching other children. Michael enjoys ball games, but they don't come quite so easily to him.
Last weekend, one of our neighbors invited William, Michael and Jocelyn to borrow mini hockey sticks and balls and hit the balls around in their driveway. To say that it was a huge hit might be an understatement. They didn't want to return the borrowed equipment.
The following day, Andy and Patrick bought mini hockey sticks for everybody. We got the four kids out on our driveway with sticks and balls and our mini soccer goal. Two other kids joined in. There was no organization beyond a vague encouragement for Patrick to actually practice shooting on goal and a safety patrol of adults collecting balls that rolled into the street.
It was a swirl of balls and children accompanied by squeals of glee.
Since then, the weather has included a lot of rain and there has not been another opportunity to get out and play. William, in particular, is very upset about this and has been asking to go out and play hockey several times a day.
We'll have to see what the fall weather is like, to see how much we get out on the street. But, there is no question that we will be joining the crowds on the street playing hockey in the spring.
The spirit of Hockey has infiltrated our lives.
Three of the kids on our block play very serious competitive hockey. Spring and fall find games of hockey in the street. Although the main players are the kids who live on the street, there are often fathers who join in.
Andy and I are not particularly sports-minded. Our hobbies are creative and artistic. Our physical exercise tends to be solitary activities (biking, mountain climbing, yoga, working out at the gym, dancing) rather than competitive team sports. We haven't enrolled Patrick in many sports activities as he finds them challenging and we have been unable to find teams where he would be rewarded for trying hard. We are being dragged into sports by our two youngest boys. William in particular has natural athletic ability, and picks things up just by watching other children. Michael enjoys ball games, but they don't come quite so easily to him.
Last weekend, one of our neighbors invited William, Michael and Jocelyn to borrow mini hockey sticks and balls and hit the balls around in their driveway. To say that it was a huge hit might be an understatement. They didn't want to return the borrowed equipment.
The following day, Andy and Patrick bought mini hockey sticks for everybody. We got the four kids out on our driveway with sticks and balls and our mini soccer goal. Two other kids joined in. There was no organization beyond a vague encouragement for Patrick to actually practice shooting on goal and a safety patrol of adults collecting balls that rolled into the street.
It was a swirl of balls and children accompanied by squeals of glee.
Since then, the weather has included a lot of rain and there has not been another opportunity to get out and play. William, in particular, is very upset about this and has been asking to go out and play hockey several times a day.
We'll have to see what the fall weather is like, to see how much we get out on the street. But, there is no question that we will be joining the crowds on the street playing hockey in the spring.
The spirit of Hockey has infiltrated our lives.
The Joy Diet: Truth
Menu Item #2 in the Joy Diet is Truth. The assignment is to tell ourselves the truth about our experience at least once a day - in the context of having found the place of stillness through the practice of Nothing. That sounds fancy, but it is simple. And, like so many simple things, it can be very hard.
When Beck talks about Truth, she is not talking about philosophical Truth. She is talking about the reality of our moments of experience: What am I feeling now; I want this; This makes me angry; This is what is happening to me in this moment. Her theory is that denying the reality of these truths disrupts our ability to experience joy.
The practice is to settle into meditation - or whatever form our practice of Nothing takes. Then, we are to ask ourselves "What hurts?" Once we have identified a source of pain (physical or emotional), we are to ask ourselves whether what hurts is a real thing or a story we are telling ourselves. If it is a story that we are telling ourselves, then we are urged to question the story and see if we can turn the story around and make one that serves to bring joy and peace rather than pain.
This week has been very challenging for me. I have resisted sitting for my 15 minutes of Nothing. When I have investigated why I have been resisting stilling my mind and body enough to see these truths, the reason has been obvious. I am afraid of what will come up. I have not been experiencing more joy this week. Rather, I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety. When I explore the anxiety, I discover it is another face of fear.
Three years ago, I was grieving for the family of four that I had always wanted. I had a wonderful son, but had been unable to give him the sibling that I had always envisioned. After a series of miscarriages and testing that failed to identify a cause, I was giving up. My husband and I had chosen to move to a new country. I was giving away or selling all the baby things that I had saved to use with a second child. I was cleansing myself of my previously envisioned world for a new start in a new place with a complete family of three. But, I never had a chance to finish that grieving process and start that new life. In the middle of the of the move, I got pregnant again - with triplets - and I was carrying the pregnancy successfully.
I have done a good job of dealing with the logistics of this new life, but I have not taken the time to process more than the most basic of emotional realities. And, in order to keep myself going, I have not let myself feel the inconvenient emotions and think the inconvenient thoughts any more than absolutely necessary. So, buried somewhere in my body are a series of thoughts that I have not allowed myself to be aware of - thoughts that are poisoning my existence. And, I am scared to open myself up and see what lies underneath. And yet, I believe that these blocked thoughts are preventing me from enjoying the moments of joy in my life fully.
Even as I write this, I find myself questioning how much I am willing to say in a public forum. I find myself writing and then deleting some of the specifics of my experience. I know that it would make my writing more powerful if I were to speak these truths, but it is too frightening to put the words out into public. But, the practices of this week mean that I have allowed myself to think and feel more of my own truth than I did last week - and that is a good thing.
It is time for me to dance. The greatest tool in my arsenal for getting to the truths that need to be released but are hard to speak is InterPlay. InterPlay is a body-wisdom practice that uses fun and incremental practices to connect us to the wisdom of our bodies through paying attention to our own embodied experiences. Sitting with Nothing and actively thinking about Truth is scary for me and brings up anxiety. Playing and Dancing with InterPlay is a way for me to touch the same truths that Martha Beck is talking about in a less anxiety-producing form. They both lead to the same place - a place that this week has shown me I need to get back to: the Here and Now of my reality.
When Beck talks about Truth, she is not talking about philosophical Truth. She is talking about the reality of our moments of experience: What am I feeling now; I want this; This makes me angry; This is what is happening to me in this moment. Her theory is that denying the reality of these truths disrupts our ability to experience joy.
The practice is to settle into meditation - or whatever form our practice of Nothing takes. Then, we are to ask ourselves "What hurts?" Once we have identified a source of pain (physical or emotional), we are to ask ourselves whether what hurts is a real thing or a story we are telling ourselves. If it is a story that we are telling ourselves, then we are urged to question the story and see if we can turn the story around and make one that serves to bring joy and peace rather than pain.
This week has been very challenging for me. I have resisted sitting for my 15 minutes of Nothing. When I have investigated why I have been resisting stilling my mind and body enough to see these truths, the reason has been obvious. I am afraid of what will come up. I have not been experiencing more joy this week. Rather, I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety. When I explore the anxiety, I discover it is another face of fear.
Three years ago, I was grieving for the family of four that I had always wanted. I had a wonderful son, but had been unable to give him the sibling that I had always envisioned. After a series of miscarriages and testing that failed to identify a cause, I was giving up. My husband and I had chosen to move to a new country. I was giving away or selling all the baby things that I had saved to use with a second child. I was cleansing myself of my previously envisioned world for a new start in a new place with a complete family of three. But, I never had a chance to finish that grieving process and start that new life. In the middle of the of the move, I got pregnant again - with triplets - and I was carrying the pregnancy successfully.
I have done a good job of dealing with the logistics of this new life, but I have not taken the time to process more than the most basic of emotional realities. And, in order to keep myself going, I have not let myself feel the inconvenient emotions and think the inconvenient thoughts any more than absolutely necessary. So, buried somewhere in my body are a series of thoughts that I have not allowed myself to be aware of - thoughts that are poisoning my existence. And, I am scared to open myself up and see what lies underneath. And yet, I believe that these blocked thoughts are preventing me from enjoying the moments of joy in my life fully.
Even as I write this, I find myself questioning how much I am willing to say in a public forum. I find myself writing and then deleting some of the specifics of my experience. I know that it would make my writing more powerful if I were to speak these truths, but it is too frightening to put the words out into public. But, the practices of this week mean that I have allowed myself to think and feel more of my own truth than I did last week - and that is a good thing.
It is time for me to dance. The greatest tool in my arsenal for getting to the truths that need to be released but are hard to speak is InterPlay. InterPlay is a body-wisdom practice that uses fun and incremental practices to connect us to the wisdom of our bodies through paying attention to our own embodied experiences. Sitting with Nothing and actively thinking about Truth is scary for me and brings up anxiety. Playing and Dancing with InterPlay is a way for me to touch the same truths that Martha Beck is talking about in a less anxiety-producing form. They both lead to the same place - a place that this week has shown me I need to get back to: the Here and Now of my reality.
Friday, September 25, 2009
The Joy Diet: Nothing
The 10 ingredients in the The Joy Diet are intended to be added slowly and retained - this is a habit building exercise. Week one's new ingredient is Nothing. The instructions are to "do nothing for 15 minutes each day."
Wow. Nothing is hard for me to do. Simply making the 15 minutes to be unavailable is a challenge. It has to be a time when I do not need to be on call for the children - which really means never. So, rather than scheduling a time that I would definitely be unavailable, I have tried grabbing 15 minutes each time that I think I might actually be able to finish it. And, by the end of each day, I have managed to find a 15-minute block of time to do nothing.
Giving myself permission to let the chores slide for 15 minutes is usually hard for me. In the context of this experiment, however, it has been easy. I have been able to remind myself that I waste at least 15 minutes a day trying to de-stress and have been able to convince myself that it is probably better to actively "do nothing" for 15 minutes than to bumble around uselessly or vegetate in front of the tv for 30 minutes or an hour.
My experience this week has come as no surprise to me. About half-way through my "nothing" time, I have drifted into a hypnagogic state - that place between wakefulness and sleep where awareness becomes odd and dreamlike experiences invade a waking consciousness. When I meditate while sleep deprived, this is very common for me. Interestingly, I did not actually fall asleep during any of these sessions this week. I remained aware of these experiences and was able to separate myself from them at some level.
After each session, I felt more ease. The ease didn't last, but it was there for a brief period. And, every experience of ease helps.
I love doing nothing. It feeds my soul like no activity. I come out of my time with more calm, more focus, more ease. I know this. I have a history of building a meditation or yoga habit and then letting it slip. I am hoping that the fact that this is the base ingredient in this "diet" will help me rebuild a habit. Maybe I'll even keep it around longer this time.
Wow. Nothing is hard for me to do. Simply making the 15 minutes to be unavailable is a challenge. It has to be a time when I do not need to be on call for the children - which really means never. So, rather than scheduling a time that I would definitely be unavailable, I have tried grabbing 15 minutes each time that I think I might actually be able to finish it. And, by the end of each day, I have managed to find a 15-minute block of time to do nothing.
Giving myself permission to let the chores slide for 15 minutes is usually hard for me. In the context of this experiment, however, it has been easy. I have been able to remind myself that I waste at least 15 minutes a day trying to de-stress and have been able to convince myself that it is probably better to actively "do nothing" for 15 minutes than to bumble around uselessly or vegetate in front of the tv for 30 minutes or an hour.
My experience this week has come as no surprise to me. About half-way through my "nothing" time, I have drifted into a hypnagogic state - that place between wakefulness and sleep where awareness becomes odd and dreamlike experiences invade a waking consciousness. When I meditate while sleep deprived, this is very common for me. Interestingly, I did not actually fall asleep during any of these sessions this week. I remained aware of these experiences and was able to separate myself from them at some level.
After each session, I felt more ease. The ease didn't last, but it was there for a brief period. And, every experience of ease helps.
I love doing nothing. It feeds my soul like no activity. I come out of my time with more calm, more focus, more ease. I know this. I have a history of building a meditation or yoga habit and then letting it slip. I am hoping that the fact that this is the base ingredient in this "diet" will help me rebuild a habit. Maybe I'll even keep it around longer this time.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The Joy Diet: a Beginning
I've been reading Gretchen Wegner's blog and she is participating in a bloggers book group hosted by Jamie Ridler. I'm intrigued, so I'm joining in - albeit a little late. The current book is "The Joy Diet" by Martha Beck. The plan is that we read the book a chapter at a time, and spend a week with the ingredient of joy in the chapter and then blog about it on Fridays.
I've been pretty stressed lately and could use a little community and a little more conscious awareness of the joy in my life. An on-line book group is perfect for my schedule. In addition, I have been struggling to keep up with this blog and have NaNoWriMo coming up in November, so a more regular writing schedule would be a good thing.
Things got started this week and I only realized it on Wednesday. My copy of the book is waiting for me to pick up at the library tonight. In the meantime, I am getting started the best I can based on reading other people's blog entries.
I've been pretty stressed lately and could use a little community and a little more conscious awareness of the joy in my life. An on-line book group is perfect for my schedule. In addition, I have been struggling to keep up with this blog and have NaNoWriMo coming up in November, so a more regular writing schedule would be a good thing.
Things got started this week and I only realized it on Wednesday. My copy of the book is waiting for me to pick up at the library tonight. In the meantime, I am getting started the best I can based on reading other people's blog entries.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Birthdays
I never used to take birthdays particularly seriously - it just wasn't part of my family's traditions. In my family, the tradition was that a kid's birthday was an excuse for a big present and a meal out, all deliverable around the date of the birthday. There were a few parties, but only a few. I don't remember celebrating my parents' birthdays at all. But now, things have changed.
For one thing, Andy's family has different traditions. They pay more attention to actual birthdates and continue to mark adult birthdays more than my family does.
Now that Andy and I have 4 kids under 7, we don't get enough time for us to renew our own energy and refresh ourselves, so adult birthdays have become very important. Andy knows that on his birthday and on Father's Day, I will do my best to treat him to a late morning and some time to himself, and I know that he will do the same for me on my birthday and on Mother's Day. We try to find more time than that for ourselves, but these 4 days have become fixed points in our calendar.
This year, my birthday has been the excuse for a series of wonderful experiences. Firstly, last spring (months before the actual birthdays), my brother arranged for me to take Patrick to England for a 4-day weekend as a combined birthday present. We saw some of my family, saw The Lion King in the West End and visited some museums.
Later, in the summer, Andy took me to see Depeche Mode in Toronto.
On my actual birthday, I got breakfast in bed, cards and presents from the kids (thanks Andy for getting them organized), and an itinerary. My instructions were to take Andy's car and iPod (specially loaded with my favourite music) to the train station and to take myself into Toronto to see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit at the Royal Ontario Museum. It was a fantastic day out and one I would not have taken without Andy saying "Go!"
I still don't think birthdays themselves are incredibly important, but I do think they serve the purpose of reminding us to create special times for each other from time to time. And, that is important.
For one thing, Andy's family has different traditions. They pay more attention to actual birthdates and continue to mark adult birthdays more than my family does.
Now that Andy and I have 4 kids under 7, we don't get enough time for us to renew our own energy and refresh ourselves, so adult birthdays have become very important. Andy knows that on his birthday and on Father's Day, I will do my best to treat him to a late morning and some time to himself, and I know that he will do the same for me on my birthday and on Mother's Day. We try to find more time than that for ourselves, but these 4 days have become fixed points in our calendar.
This year, my birthday has been the excuse for a series of wonderful experiences. Firstly, last spring (months before the actual birthdays), my brother arranged for me to take Patrick to England for a 4-day weekend as a combined birthday present. We saw some of my family, saw The Lion King in the West End and visited some museums.
Later, in the summer, Andy took me to see Depeche Mode in Toronto.
On my actual birthday, I got breakfast in bed, cards and presents from the kids (thanks Andy for getting them organized), and an itinerary. My instructions were to take Andy's car and iPod (specially loaded with my favourite music) to the train station and to take myself into Toronto to see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit at the Royal Ontario Museum. It was a fantastic day out and one I would not have taken without Andy saying "Go!"
I still don't think birthdays themselves are incredibly important, but I do think they serve the purpose of reminding us to create special times for each other from time to time. And, that is important.
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